Monday, December 29, 2008

It's my new year

This is just a quick post to let everyone know that I am still alive. Things have been a little rough on my end but I have declared today the start of my new year. I am not waiting for the 1st of the year. Today is Monday, it's the start of a new week, Christmas is over and it's time to get back to where I was.

Short recap on happenings in my life. I have gained a few pounds. I am at 274 this morning *cry. My step father had to be taken back to the hospital and was told that if he doesn't change things he won't live another 6 months. He is permanently on oxygen. I went to help my mother with things because she ended up with a really bad chest cold and I ended up hurting my back so there hasn't been any exercise for two weeks. I am still hurting. I did go to the gym today and walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes but I could feel it so I didn't push it. Last week was the first week I missed my belly dancing class and I hated it!!!

I am still looking for a job and still nothing but I have a lot of leads to check out today so am crossing my fingers.

Things with A are moving along nicely. I adore that man!

Oh, and I decided that I am going to try the Eat for Life the best that I can. I will continue to count points just because I like the accountability of what is going in my mouth.

So, there's my last couple of weeks in a nutshell. I hope everyone is doing well and had a Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate. I hope things settle down in the future so I can come visit all of you and see what's happening in your world. If you are visiting me, comment and let me know that all is well in your world.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Self Inflicted Kick in the Ass

I have semi-fallen off the wagon. Pull me back! :P

It seems I am busier being unemployed then when I was. How can that even be possible? It could be because I spend almost 10 hours a day looking for a job. It's exhausting. I have been neglecting all my blog comrades and that I apologize. I hope you all are doing well, I haven't forgotten you!!!!

My step-father is still in the hospital but seems to be getting better. He will never be better but at least we aren't worrying about the "do not resuscitate" papers at this point.

I got my Eat for Life book and quite frankly I don't think I can eat like that. This may sound like a cop out and that I don't want to put in the effort but I truly think that I would be setting myself up for a huge failure by following everything in that book. Now, not that I don't think it doesn't have valid points it does. I have gained some valuable insight and I am going to incorporate more of it into my daily routine (oh wait, what routine?). I don't eat enough veggies and fruits. I am guilty! That's where I need to start. Baby steps! Cutting out all animal and dairy products is just not a likeable option for me at this point. I have been horrible with journaling lately. Basically, I have been horrible with everything. I haven't been eating. I forget to. So frequently, I am having one meal a day and some days it is healthy and some days it is not so healthy. I need to get myself into a routine again. I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought a bunch of fruit and veggies and that will be the majority of my meals so I don't have any excuse. I need to give myself a kick in the ass!!! I have been doing good and I don't want to undo everything that I have done.

On a side note...for those of you that may still be curious about the status of A. He is doing well and things are still moving slowly but in the right direction. He thinks I should be beating men off with a stick (yeah, ok..that has never been a problem) so I asked him why he thought that and his response was...

Cause a beautiful, witty, smart, hilarious woman thats also sweet, sexy and romantic should have a line of guys out the door, it just seems strange that you wouldn't have suiters all over the place.

This man....oh my, what can I say...I can't even begin to tell you how many wonderful qualities this man has. He has let me in to the deepest parts of his soul in recent weeks and this man has a beautiful mind and soul and whether or not anything materializes from this online "connection", I am very lucky that he came into my life. He gives me the motivation to continue to improve myself, he keeps me positive, he makes me smile even when I don't want to...I could go on and on but I will save you all the mush :).

Monday, December 15, 2008

Cops, EMS, Christmas....SIGH

Just a quick entry to let you guys know I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth. It seems I have less time now being unemployed then when I was. Strange! Probably because I am spending all my time looking for a job and doing all the things that have been neglected forever. Last week was not a good week for my goals. I neglected the gym, as well. I only made it one day. I did order the Eat to Live book and want to give it a try. I would love to get feedback from any of you if any of you have tried it!

Things are getting stressful. I am sending out resume after resume with out any luck. I know it's close to the holidays so am hoping that's the reason I haven't heard anything. I found a job today that I am perfect for, let's hope they feel the same!

Yesterday, I woke up to a cop knocking on my door. I answered the door and she said, "I suppose you're wondering why I am here". As a matter of fact! She tells me that someone was concerned about me because they hadn't heard from me in about a week. They had called the police department and explained that I had lost my job and that I might be a bit depressed and it's not normal to not hear from me. She had to go back to her car to find out the name. While she was walking back to her, I couldn't think of anyone that I hadn't talked to. She came back and it was my mother that had called. I had talked to my mother a couple days prior. Sigh. However, my mother had called the night before and said that she had sent some pictures and I didn't call her back. I didn't realize it warranted a return call. The cop called my mother and said that I was fine. After she left, I called my mother and told her I was fine and that I wasn't going to do anything stupid. So, I guess at 37 years old I need to check in every couple of days so my mother doesn't worry about me. She wants a list of my friends and their phone numbers so in the event she can't get in touch with me she can call them to make sure I'm ok. I understand, but damn!

Then this morning, she messages me. My step father was taken back to the hospital by EMS. She was told by the hospital to find his DNR papers. He had emphysema and had a recent stay in the hospital because he continued to smoke (and hide it but not very well, we all knew). He said after the last stay he would never smoke again. The doctor told him at that time it was like putting gasoline on a raging fire. Well, not long after that hospital visit, he was pouring gasoline on the fire. I talked to my mom a little bit ago and I guess he is doing ok but I imagine he will be on oxygen full time now and if he wants to smoke he will have to unhook himself. *sigh.

I can't believe it's only 10 days before Christmas. I am so NOT into the Christmas spirit this year. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. Every one on my block has their houses decorated, except me. I don't even have a Christmas tree up in the house. I think I would be perfectly ok with just staying home alone this year.

I have to say if it wasn't for A, I probably would be slipping into a mild depression but right now he is my shining light.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Routine

Well, I didn't go to my belly dancing class Tuesday night but it's not my fault! My instructor called me and said she wasn't feeling well and was canceling. I could have gone to the gym anyway but I didn't. I did, however go yesterday and plan on going today so no kicks in the ass are needed :). In fact, my arms are a bit sore today. I've been working the flappys. You know what I'm talking about. I always thought my arms were ok until I went to belly dancing where we use our arms a lot and of course we are surrounded by mirrors. I was horrified to see that I had the flappys. The bit of fat under your arm that continues to wave hi when you have stopped waving hi. The ritual when I go to the gym is to always use the flappy machine (gotta love my terminology) and the hip/thigh machines, you know the one that makes you feel like you should be at the gynocologist. That reminds me of my old gym I had belonged to with my ex-husband. They had that thigh machine placed in front of mirrors. Obviously, a man owned that gym. *sigh.
I ordered the Eat for Life book yesterday. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to give it a shot. Anyone else try it? Thoughts? How did it go for you?

I really wish I could afford to hire a private trainer because I need someone to tell me what to do at the gym and how much of it. I need a routine that has been given to me. Anyone know of any free sites that give training routines or do you have a routine that has worked for you and want to share? I want routine and need it. I am less likely to skip days if I have a "real" routine.

Yesterday, Shanna gave me an award. Isn't she the sweetest? So I get to pass on the love. These things are always so hard to pass on too because everyone is deserving. Can I cheat and list everyone because really everyone is so deserving. Everyone of you has provided me support, encouragement and kicks in the ass when I needed it. All of you have provided motivation when I needed it most. So, you know what I am...to all of you that visit me and have posted your comments and provided me motivation in the past, this award is for you. I know this is probably cheating but I can't just select a few of you.
1. Please put the logo in your blog
2. Place a link from the person, from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate at least 7 or more
4. Put the links of those on your blog
5. Leave a message on their blog to let them know

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Gym, what gym?

I really don't have anything to report today. I was bad and didn't go to the gym yesterday, which means I missed my class that I really like. See this is what happens when something changes my routine! My whole schedule gets out of whack. Of course, I do have total control over this. I could have made myself get dressed yesterday and made myself get in the car to drive to the gym. Hell, I could have just even walked into the living room and put one of my Zumba DVDs in. Instead, I spent the day talking to A, not a total waste of time but my body isn't going to change for the better doing that (my ass might get wider..YIKES).

I am going to the gym tonight though so I don't need any kicks in the ass. :)

I was asked yesterday if I knew about the new WW program. I have absolutely no clue. I received some emails from them about it but it didn't make much sense to me. I will have to go my online stuff and see if it gives me more info.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Journaling, Goals.........

Well my goals kind of went to the wayside the first week but I have a valid excuse. I had to horse sit for my parents. They were off taking baby horse to a show and to try to sell her. Although, I wasn't going to the gym everyday I was mucking stalls so that should count for something.

I have been really bad about journaling my points lately. I start off the week great but then something in my routine breaks (going to my mother's) and I stop counting. This must change. I need to stay accountable, that way if things are not going in the right direction I know it's not something that I am doing wrong.

I'm still job hunting *sigh. I hope I find something soon before the stress starts taking its toll. I guess the bright side of that is that I don't turn to food. In fact, I end up not eating which isn't good either.

I hope everyone is doing well and hope to get to visit you today. We will see how the job hunt goes.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ughhh....

Well, my gung ho gym idea did not go well yesterday at all. I went to the Zumba class at 10a. My plan was to do some weights afterwards and get to my class at 6p. It didn't work out that way. I got very light-headed in the class and ended up with a migraine for the rest of the day. I don't know if it is because I didn't eat before I went, ended up dehydrated or if the hour long Zumba class is still just a bit much for me. Everytime I have gone to Zumba, I have ended up with a headache so that's not really a good sign. I might have to stick with the 30 minute classes for awhile *sigh and do the Zumba at home.

Anyone have any thoughts on why I would get headaches? I'm at a loss.

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's a new day!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Today is the start of a new day, new week, new chapter in my life. The good news today is I am back down to the 260s...yay! 269.4 to be exact! Two pounds lost this week. Yay, me!

Here's my plan. In between the job hunting and hopefully interviews, the gym is going to be my job. I am going to get up every morning and I am going to the gym whether it be for a class or to do cardio and weights. I don't have an excuse. My goal, even though it might be pushing it is to be under 250 by the first of the new year. I know I have to work really, really hard especially when my body always fights me but I am up for the challenge. Let the gym rat stage of my life commence!

As for A, aka 6 pack, things are progressing. I don't want to go into too much detail here but he really opened up to me about his fears and how he feels this past weekend. The egg has hatched...now he just has to have the courage to take flight :).

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Challenge, Work and A

First, let me say Andrea did an awesome job on the challenge. She was the biggest loser of all those that submitted their weights. Everyone, including me have had a lot going on in our lives so it has been difficult to keep motivated, enthusiastic and for me to actually keep my updates on schedule the past few weeks. It's the holiday season now which tends to be known for gorging ourselves, so I hope everyone keeps a level head and doesn't go overboard.

Today is my last day at work and no one is here. Everyone is on vacation. Why am I here? I think it will be an early day for me...I mean, really what's the point. I sent out my farewell email yesterday and I had a few very nice responses and a few shocking ones from those that I have been close to all these years. In fact, I am still kind of in shock as I write this. This is a co-worker that I have worked closely with for 11 years and there is a lot of history. He sent me an email that said "it's been a pleasure, good luck". It was like we met last week. I took it personally but am hoping that it was just because he didn't know what to say. What can you say, really?

On the A front....things are going well. It's like an egg ready to hatch. Each day it gets closer to hatching and a new crack appears. It seems each day lately, a new crack is appearing. Yesterday, he IM'd me all day. I gave you the song yesterday. Today he sent me some more lyrics. Here's the IM...

OHHHHH INXS!!!! here ya go honey! This is for you.....

So slide over here
And give me a moment
Your moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind

I need you tonight'
Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat

hahahah.....

Aparently, I make him sweat. LOL. Then later in the evening....

We are playing our game and the conversation was about our characters and I said something to him about him not needing me. He said "but only if you knew". The conversation changed from the game dynamics to personal dynamics. I questioned what he meant. He quickly responded with "nah, nothing forget last statement". I said, oh no, tell me. Then he changed the subject. I asked again because I am one of those persistent types that hates when someone says something and then doesn't follow through. He told me "in all due time, my dear". Fine! LOL....

And this morning, oh yes there's more...

He sends me more lyrics...

A: "Jet City Woman, see her face everywhere, can't get her out of my mind"
Me: trying to tell me something with all these lyrics lately? :P
A: maybe

but then the conversation gets changed...lol....

The egg has more cracks each day.. I think it's going to hatch soon. (YAY!) Damn thing has been incubated for a long time.

Job, Weight and A

Good morning everyone. My spirits are up, kind of. I am actually kind of ok over the job thing at the moment. Although tomorrow is my last day and I imagine parts of it will be very emotional for me, mostly because of the people. I am kind of hoping that I will find something soon, they won't want me to start until after the first of the year and I can take a month off, start a new job and get severance and get paid at the same time. Wouldn't that be nice? hehe. One can hope.

Things on the weight loss front...not so hot. Although, I am reporting a loss this week but still can't seem to get back to that 269 I saw briefly. Next week! While I am off work, in between sending resumes and doing interviews, I do plan on hitting the gym. This is my chance to really make a difference in my mind and body.

Today, I will be visiting you guys. I feel so bad for not coming around as of late. I also will be going back through the comments and updating the weights and minutes for the challenges so if you have your information and haven't submitted it, go ahead and I will update. Obviously, when this challenge is over I am going to take a break from hosting any for awhile until my life settles down a bit.

My head is still in this, it's just not 100% into it...I need to get it back there. It starts now :)

In other news..you know the man front....because I know you all just want to hear about A and if there has been any progress. No, there hasn't..hehe. Although, over the weekend he almost came out and met with a friend of mine and I. Almost.... He's cracking under the pressure I think. So, he sends me a message the other night. We stayed up and talked until 5:30a, basically until neither of us could keep our eyes open any longer. He told me to listen to the lyrics of this song. What are your thoughts? I am hooked on this song now, by the way. Diana has already given me her thoughts (thanks, Diana).







Friday, November 21, 2008

Mystery Man Revealed...

Well, it took me awhile but I did find out who the Mystery Rose Man was. FDR wouldn't tell me without contacting the customer. Around 3p, I was on the phone with FDR again and the woman on the other line said she had some good news for me (I don't give up). She gave me the name and I was shocked. It wasn't the A we all know and love (but I do have a short story about him too) it is a different A. I will refer to him as Canadian. Canadian and I have never met. I "met" Canadian in the game that I play several months ago and we play together regularly. He is a super nice guy and is always telling me how wonderful and awesome I am (almost too much). So, he knew that it was my birthday and he also knew that I had been laid off and was in pretty low spirits. He had asked me the day I had been laid off what my zip code was because he wanted to find out if there were any Mac stores in my area to see if they were hiring. He also knew my last name from my IM, so with those two bits of information he used the Internet to get an address which had a wrong phone number. He took a chance on the address and it happened to be correct.



So when I found out I called him a sneaky little shit and then thanked him. He must have gotten a kick out of me telling him about all the trouble I was going through to find out who sent them...the little shit. LOL. He was afraid I would be mad at him or think he was a stalker considering he had to do a little sleuthing himself to get my address to send them. What a nice guy!



So now A knew I got some roses and did ask if I found out who sent them. Yep. He asked who, so I told him. He said to me, "I think he likes you". Yeah I think he probably does. Hint, hint A time to get off the pot :).



So A and I are talking today and I finally ask him what the problem is. Why won't he meet me? I said I don't want to pressure him (he feels like I am) but he has never told me why. Give me a reason. His response....



have you ever had a feeling about a person and then you jump into something and its ruined......the build up to whatever was f*#$* because it was rushed......well I told you I test the waters, I want the build up, if there is one....does that make sense...plus I'm really spontanious...you never know when I will do something off the wall



So, there may be hope still :)



Oh, next week I will be updating all the challenges and getting caught up...right now in resume hell. I have sent out about 20 so far. Cross your fingers for me! And as another side note, I will visit you all and see how you all are doing. I've been pretty self involved lately. Sorry!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Roses and cryptic messages...

I want to thank all of you for your well wishes. I'm not going to let this get me down, I can't. I need to find a job. I have worked very hard all my life to get where I am today and I refuse to lose it all. I need to apologize to those of you that are in the challenges (again) about not being more on top of things when updating. I am going to do better but I do hope you understand with the current state of my life that I am going to have to discontinue "our walk". I will continue to add up our steps/mileage and at the end of our journey I will figure out where we ended up. I hope you understand but right now my financial future needs to take top priority in my life.

Now, onto a brighter side..I think.

Last night, I came home to a dozen red roses on my doorstep. It was my birthday yesterday. The big present was being laid off. Thanks, I love it! Can I return it? The roses obviously couldn't have come at a better time considering the two shitty days. I rush inside to see who they are from. The card reads, "May today bring some small joys and the year ahead be filled with nothing but promise and happiness - from your friend" WTF? Why the hell can't you sign your name? On the envelope is a cell phone number. I call it. It's a bad number. SHIT! So I'm thinking who would have sent. F? I call him. No, it wasn't him. He feels bad now. This is the second time I have asked him if he sent flowers and it wasn't him...hehe. Oops, maybe he will eventually send some. Hmm, A? I haven't talked to him in over a week. Not sure what is going on with him so no way to ask him. My friend G because he always just sends me stuff out of the blue and always remembers my birthday. Nope, not him either. I ask a few other people, no one is claiming. I start to think maybe it was my boss but red roses? That might be a bit weird. Oh, and for the record whenever I get flowers I always seem to get the cryptic messages, no name. In fact, I thanked the wrong guy once for flowers that he didn't send me so the next day I got a bigger bouquet from the guy that didn't originally send them. So, all last night I am trying to figure out who and whose cell number that could possibly be. A male friend of mine told me last night that whoever it was had to spend between 50 and 100 dollars for them and the liklihood of them not appearing in my life is slim. Ok, good point. So this morning I call the florist. It was done online. Ok...so I call FTD with the order number. They can't tell me. I asked her if she could confirm if I gave a name. It wasn't my boss. I asked if I gave her another name. She said she really couldn't, she could lose her job. I asked her if she could tell me what city. No. What state? No. Could she just grunt if I asked and got it right? No. She told me she could call the customer and find out if it was ok to release the information and call me back. It's almost 1p, I still don't know.

So someone from my past ? Someone with the wrong cell phone number? The mystery continues...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Not a good day...

Last week while I was out, there was word that my company laid off about 200 people (times are tough) and that there were about 16 from my department. I did not know who was laid off. When I went into work today, I messaged a co-worker and asked her if she knew. She said, "you haven't heard?" No. Our entire testing staff had been let go, some with over 15 years with the company. She was one of them. She asked me what my title was. I told her. She asked me if I had gotten an email about a mandatory meeting. I told her no. We thought I was safe. About an hour later I found out my boss was coming to town. I immediately felt like I couldn't breathe. See, I have been with the company 11 years. We have never had lay offs until last year. The economy has taken its toll and the company is doing what it can to continue to make money. I thought our department was safe considering we have been so shorthanded. Hell, I worked 95 hours in one week a couple of weeks ago and 70 something the following week. I had IM'd my boss earlier in the day and he responded and at that time I asked him, "do we have anything to be concerned about with you coming here today". His response, "no". Phew! I felt better. I told him, "Good, because I was wondering if I would have to pack up my desk today".

Around 2p today, he calls me into the office and another man is in there from HR. Oh shit, this isn't good. Ok, well I think maybe we just have to re-apply for our jobs. My boss' boss is on the phone from home office. He starts reading the "script". Times are tough..blah blah blah. I tune out...this decision is hard for us but...blah blah blah and then WHAM...."your last day will be November 26th". I have kept my composure so far but it's waning. I have been here 11 years. I have put my blood, sweat and tears into this place...literally. HR man, whom I know, goes over "the package" and asks if I have any questions. No. He leaves. I tell my boss that he lied to me. I asked him if I should be concerned and he told me no. He said, no you asked if we had any concerns. He said he know it was symantecs but he couldn't tell me over IM. My old boss, who is my friend also knew but couldn't tell me because that would have risked her job and she felt like a heel not being able to tell me. A friend of mine that left the company knew and didn't tell me. I was totally in the dark. It was very hard for my boss to do. We go back 11 years. He has been there for me through a lot in my life. He had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to let me go but didn't have a choice. All of the managers were given a list of positions to eliminate and I just happened to occupy one of them.

So, as of next Wednesday I am jobless. I am a bit scared and worried about it. What if I don't find a job? I have already started to look and will be updating my resume tomorrow. Hopefully, in the end this will be a blessing in disguise. It's sad. It's the end of an era. I'm sad.

I did go to the gym to try to get away from reality for a bit and did ask them about reduced rates. The Y doesn't turn anyone away because of money because I would like to keep my membership so I have that to fill out. Plans for this weekend....drink!

Time to buckle down...

Good morning! I had to go back to work this morning, bleh! My scale has not been good to me the past two weeks. It is time to buckle down a bit more. I am back to 273..yikes! I don't understand it! This past week I have been on vacation and pretty much ate NOTHING from Thursday on. Don't ask why, you won't understand unless you are a computer gamer. However, on the same note, I also didn't drink much of anything and sat on my ass for most of that time. I'm hoping that this is a temporary gain and next Monday I can report that all of that is gone plus more. I saw that 269 very briefly and need to see it again.

Despite my scale's dislike for me, I am determined to make it move in the direction I want. This week's goal is to eat more veggies and fruits. I have to confess I have been slacking off in that department. I have also been slacking off in the water department.

So I will update my weight on the blog even though I really, really don't want to. Damn scale!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Guess who I met today...

Well guys, again I fail you. I won't be able to do the updates until Monday when I am back in the office because that's where my spreadsheets are so please forgive me, yet again.

Guess what I did today? Give up? I met our fabulous Diana, Scale Junkie. We don't live far from each other but we have had a hard time getting together because our schedules are always conflicting but we were finally able to make some time.

If any of you ever get the chance to meet her, you should. She is a beautiful person. We talked for a few hours about everything. Blogging, our struggles with weight, my struggles with men (she already seems to have the perfect man), work which has its own ironic twist. We apparently worked at the same company at the same time many years ago and never knew it. How weird is that? We even know some of the same people. I hope to get to know Diana better. It was extremely easy talking to her and like she said on her blog it was as if we had known each other a long time and just haven't seen in awhile. I had a great time with her just sitting and chatting the time just got away from us. It truly was a pleasure meeting her and I hope that we spend more time together.

Oh, and Diana no luck at Lowe's ...darn :).

Monday, November 10, 2008

Reflection

    We are getting close to the end of the year and many of us started on our "journeys" at the beginning of the year. Of course, it doesn't matter when we started on our lifestyle change. Many of us are not where we want to be, or where we thought we would be. I am no where near where I thought I could be. I have hit numerous bumps in the road, some self inflicted. I wanted to focus on the positive, though. We tend to always focus on what we are doing wrong. We tend to focus on the numbers on the scale, myself included. I am a slave to my scale but I have come to terms with it. We have an agreement. Regardless of what it says, I will not get discouraged. So, my post today is about how far I have come...the things I have learned, the things that I have overcome and how I have grown (mentally) throughout this process.
  1. I have learned that I don't always have to be perfect, that one bad day doesn't need to equal a bad week. This is probably number one for me! In the past (and I know I have wrote about it before) if I had a bad day, I would throw the towel in for the week and then the cycle would start all over again.
  2. I have learned that I don't have to make the best choice all the time. I fight with myself about what I am going to order in a restaurant and I may not always make the best choice but I no longer make the worst choice.
  3. I have learned that exercise classes can be fun.
  4. I have learned that losing just 20lbs can increase my self confidence dramatically.
  5. I have learned that losing even .2 in a week is better than nothing.
  6. I have learned that not all yogurts are nasty :).
  7. I have learned that blogging my experiences on a daily basis or almost daily basis has helped me stay accountable. The support given here has helped immensely, whether they are thatta girls or kick in the arses, they are appreciated.
  8. Today, is my 7 week anniversary of belly dancing classes which means it is also my 7 week anniversary of going to the gym consistently for classes. This is another huge accomplishment for me and a first for me. It's the first time I have stuck with the gym this long consecutively! I did miss my cardio salsa class last night but did go to the gym in lieu of it. I think I might be on my way to being a gym rat. What are the odds?!

So, as I continue down this path to a thinner, sexier self (oh, and healthier..see where my priorities lie?) I want to thank all of you for being there. I am excited about my end goal and want to hurry to get there but I know it's going to take more time and a lot of effort but I am ready and for once in my life I have what it takes. I wish I knew what changed this time for me.

Maximize your Metabolism

I haven't had much to report lately. I am just plugging along and still working crazy hours so I haven't even had a chance to come visit any of you. This morning I found an article on how to maximize your metabolism. This article was out of Parade by Sara Reistad-Long(have to give credit, ya know). Some of the tips are things that we really already know but we don't necessarily follow consistently.

1. Choose foods wisely. Some foods block the metabolic process, others facilitate it. Sugar and carbs spike your insulin levels. Since your muscles can take in only so much energy at a time, most of what you have eaten will be stored as fat. One reason that alcohol can cause weight gain is that the body processes it first, which slows down fat burning. Rest also plays a role here. When your body is sleep deprived, it produces mass quantities of grehlin, the hunger hormone, driving you to crave more sugar and more carbs. One way to modify the insulin response is to eat more fiber. Fiber can slow the entrance of glucose into the bloodstream.

Hmm, guess that would be why the scale looks worse after my drinking this weekend then before...hehe. Not giving my official weigh in until tomorrow.

2. Pace your meals according to your body's natural rhythm. Having a good breakfast is critical. Fuel that meal with protein (think yogurt and eggs) and not only will you stay full longer- protein takes 25% more time to digest than other foods - but you'll also increase post-meal calorie burn by as much as 35%. Then, since you are most active at midday, make lunch your biggest meal

3. Train in intervals, and focus on building muscle. Researchers found that short, intense bursts of exercise resulted in considerably more fat loss than sustained activity. When you exercise this way, your mitochondria, the little engines in your cells that burn calories, run hotter all day. Strength training also very important. Muscles are your biggest metabolic engine. The more of them you build, the more calories will be directed to keeping them strong.

4. Fight inflammation. Experts are starting to point to inflammation as an influence on metabolism. Inflammation is simply the body's immune response, activated during illness, allergic reaction or when too much glucose, fat or carbs enter the system. Then the inflammatory response switches on, a group of receptors located on the fat and liver cells activate and start redirecting energy toward storage, rather than use. Until the body determines the "crisis" is over, the metabolism will slow down and more calories will go to fat cells.

Interesting. Inflammation is my major symptom with my Lupus. Just another reason to keep my stress levels to a minimum and to get enough sleep.


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Challenge Update..it's coming

UPDATE
Challenge Updates are done! You have to check out the exercise challenge and where we went!

I'm working on the challenge updates so don't fret :P. I haven't totally slacked off! I am going to post my weight even though I don't want to. My weigh in for the week was 217.2 *sigh. A small gain...It's all TOM's fault!! I hate him. He's a #*%(&%! At least Bitchy is napping right now. Shhh, don't wake her. I'm sure she will awaken later today. Luckily, she was still sleeping when I was standing in line for an hour and half at the voting polls this morning while all the retirees (who have nothing better to do all day) clogged up the lines.

Last night was another night I did not want to go to the gym but I did. I went to my class and we had a sub. I didn't like her but it was probably the first time teaching the class. She did ok, but just wouldn't have been my cup of tea. In fact, if she does the class again I probably won't go back. I still got a pretty good work out, out of it but it wasn't nearly as fun as it is with the normal instructor. My back is kind of bothering me this morning too. Belly dancing should help that tonight (or one hopes).

Oh, so yesterday there is a comment on my blog that says:
Oooh. I like the goal recaps. Smart. My name is Dawn Wellington and I love your site! I work for a company that invented a weight loss product (Mary Lou’s Weigh) that recently became available to the public. I wanted to see if I may send it to you (for free) for you to try and then post a review on your blog (if you want). Either way, I’d love your feedback on the product. I know you weigh-in and some people actually like knowing their weigh number - if you do, then this product isn’t for you. However, if you want to track your weight (know how much you've lost or gained) without knowing how much you weigh, then please read below for details. I look forward to hearing from you. About Mary Lou’s Weigh:Mary Lou’s Weigh (named after Mary Lou Retton, Olympic Gold Medalist) is a revolutionary new way for people to track their weight in a non-judgmental way. While Mary Lou’s Weigh resembles a bathroom scale, it’s entirely different -- it never tells you how much you actually weigh. The platform logs your weight and only tells you how much weight you’ve lost or gained. It keeps you aware of what’s working so you can respond before you gain, unlike the “pants method” (track your weight loss or gain by how your pants fit). Mary Lou’s Weigh helps keep your eye on a positive goal. It gives you proven, actionable advice each day and it’s easy to use. The Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform motivates and guides you through an achievable 10-pound weight loss with audible feedback (yes, that’s Mary Lou Retton talking to you), including music, applause, fun electronic tones, helpful health tips, positive reinforcement and daily messages of encouragement. After the 10-pound goal is achieved, the Platform resets automatically so you can either maintain your weight, or go for another 10 pounds.For more information, go to www.marylousweigh.com. Thanks! -Dawn

Now, that all sounds great and I would love to give it a try and give it my review if it was given to me. There is no contact information. Was this just a ploy to get me to the site or was this a legitimate post? Thoughts?

Monday, November 3, 2008

It's Monday again?

Good morning! I don't have my weigh in this morning. I don't have it on purpose. Last week was not a good week. I was not prepared for the long hours at work, which meant I wasn't prepared for meals, which meant I was not eating what I should have been eating, which means it was not a good weigh in this morning and I refuse to accept it. On top of it, Tom is coming and he is bringing Bitchy and Bloaty with him. Normally, he doesn't bring Bitchy with him. It's usually Depressed that he brings, but it's definitely Bitchy this time and Depressed is in hot pursuit. Oh boy, I just love being a female! I can control Bitchy, I think...but I can tell that she is there. The littlest thing will just #*(%&#*& aggravate me. See, there she is!

I did spend an hour at Zumba yesterday, my first time for an entire class. I thought I was going to need to be hauled off in body bag afterwards. I had my hair up in a ponytail. After the class, I had reached up to pull the scrunchie out and my hair was dripping with sweat. I couldn't believe how soaked I was. Bleh...but that's how I gauge my workouts. The more I sweat, I equate that to a better workout.

I will be updating my weight tomorrow *sigh. I promise I will also update the exercise challenge tomorrow seeing as I was such a slacker last week :).

October Goals Recap
I did ok with my October goals, at least better than I have in previous months. How did you do on yours?

1. Try Cardio Salsa class. DONE
2. Try Cardio Sculpt class. Last Thursday was going to go, but had to work late AGAIN.
3. Try Dance Sculpt class. Never made it.
4. Try Kickboxing. Never made it.
5. Try Zumba. DONE
6. Try the Line Dancing class. DONE
7. Journal/count points everyday! 27 days out of 31

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!


I apologize for not updating our exercise challenge but work is kicking my arse. All this week, I have been working 12-15 hour days. I am exhausted. I am afraid that this week might not be a good weigh in week either. I am not happy about it. I am going to try to do damage control over the weekend and get to the gym if I don't have to come into the office.


I will add our numbers that you guys reported this week to next week's totals for our exercise challenge. Again, I'm sorry. Don't flog me :P.


I wanted to leave you with some Halloween recipes seeing as today is Halloween but I don't even have time to really go find a good one *sigh.

Maybe later if things calm down.


Happy Halloween everyone. Step away from the candy!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Belly Dancing = Improvement in Self Confidence

I feel like I have been going to belly dancing classes forever now but I just looked back into my blog history and it looks like last night was my 5th class. I still feel like a baffoon but the instructor says I don't give myself enough credit. She says I have natural talent. I don't see it. Of course, that could still have something to do with me wearing workout clothes to the class. It's hard to be in the "groove" without the attire. I wear my coin scarf over my gym clothes. Are you getting a visual? Sexy, huh? hehe. Once a month, there is a restaurant that has belly dancers come in and dance. I guess anyone can participate and we are talking about going next month. I am not going to participate, at least not yet. If I was to ever perform like that, that will be a huge thing for me. That might be another fear to overcome someday. I have a feeling as I lose more weight, my self confidence is going to improve (I see it already) and the things that I have feared for so long will no longer seem so scary. I can start really living. It's a shame that I have used my weight as a crutch for my entire life. I still continue to do so but I am seeing improvement. I am excited about really living but one step at a time. One day at a time, one belly dancing class at a time.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What is motivating me...

Biggest Loser Update: Andrea is still kicking some major butt with a total 6% loss so far. Andrea you also motivate me. Thank you :). I will update the others as I get more data.

I have noticed many of you are losing your motivation. Why? Is it because the holiday season is rapidly approaching? I am such an oddball because usually every year, I lose weight at the holiday season. I just could care less about all the candy and the cakes. Anyway, I digress (as usual).

My motivation is increasing. This is not a normal thing for me. I am not used to it, but I like it. I think I know what is causing this oddity. Want to know what it is? No, it's not A (well maybe a small part of it). It's the classes that I am going to. I never would have imagined that mustering up the courage to go to these classes would lead me to crave them. Yes, I said crave them. Yesterday, I was dog tired and I went home and didn't want to go. Just like the other week, at 5:30 I got up, changed my clothes, went to the gym and did the class. I have not missed a class since I started going. For those of you that haven't tried the classes, have you not tried them out of fear?

Let me tell you. I haven't done many things throughout my life because of fear. I don't want people watching the fat chic. You hear people whispering, and you assume it's about you. As a kid, it usually was about you. Of course as a kid, they weren't as subtle about it. They would yell their nasty names at me, across the playground (I hope they are fat now -shame on me). That stays with you into adulthood. I am sure I am not the only one that has suffered the ridicule of cruel kids and adults throughout their life. Anyway, so that fear of being the center of attention has always kept me from trying those classes until that one day about 6 weeks ago. I haven't missed a class since. If you can muster up the courage, go to one. Trust me, you will find that exercise goes quickly. You will no longer dread going. I dreaded the treadmill. I would rather be hung upside down by my toenails.

Here's what to expect. You won't know the steps. You might be the only one in the class that doesn't know the steps. You may even look like a fool (referring to me in my belly dancing class). What I found, no one is watching you. If they are, so what. They were there once too. I have learned to laugh at myself. The best part, each week it's gets easier. I regret not going sooner! It has helped my self confidence, my weight loss efforts and just my general well being.

If I can do these classes, trust me anyone else can muster up the courage to as well. Is there anyone out there that hasn't gone to any because of the fear factor?

Monday, October 27, 2008

New Bling Baby...

I have new bling today! 20 pounds baby and into the next decade! Woo hoo! I am doing the happy dance. You have absolutely no idea how wonderful this makes me feel and how motivated it makes me to continue.

I want to thank my thyroid pills, all you wonderful ladies for your support and kick in the asses and Diane for my bling!

So, I just lost a 20lb bag of dog food or 20 boxes of butter (ewwwwwwwwwwww). I must be one of those people that loses a little bit everywhere. F has also lost weight and it's all come off his belly so you can really see it. Me, I am not noticing much of a difference other than I see my thighs look like they are getting toned (YAY!), which could be the dancing classes.

A and insecurites down below...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I am so exhausted. I have been working like a dog, which is my excuse for my lack of participation in the blog world lately. I must apologize for not coming by to visit as frequently but time has just really been an issue. Ok, well if I cut out the time that I have been chatting with A, then I would have more time to come visit all of you wonderful ladies. Right now, A is going through a great deal. His father has cancer and is in the hospital right now and it is killing A. He hasn't said much about it the past couple of days but I do try to keep his mind off unhappy thoughts :). We were up to 5a Sunday morning just talking. The more we learn about each other, the more I want to go to his apt complex and just start knocking on every door until I find him. We still haven't met. His best friend did tell me why and he is afraid he won't live up to my expectations. It's funny, that men tend to have the same fears that we do (or maybe just the same fears that I do). That's one of the things I hate about meeting people that you have met over the Internet....is you don't have that physical first impression. I will say more on it in a sec. Granted, I never went out searching to meet him. He sort of fell in my lap through the game that I play. What are the odds? This is a game played by millions (am guessing the number) all over the WORLD, and here we are...him and I meet by chance and find out we live 30 minutes from each other.

Anyway, I'm just as scared to meet him. I like the way things are and am afraid that if we meet, that will change. I have seen it before. What if he has this unrealistic expectation of what I look like? Am I the only one that has issues with the whole weight thing? My friend C is always telling me I am being ridiculous (coming from the size 2 blonde) but she has never experienced the total shift in attitude when men find out that you aren't that size 2.

I have no idea what my point to this post was..hehe. Anyway, A and I are planning on meeting but we are both kind of testing the waters at this point. His best friend tells me that he really likes me but he has been burned in the past. He is nervous about me, or so she says (I seem to have that affect on men...it's voodoo..LMAO). I am ok with taking it slowly because I know that no matter what we will be friends and he would be a good friend to have (although I think he would make a nice pillow ornament too...hehe). Taking it slowly offers other advantages.. I can lose more weight so I am not as self conscious when I do meet him.

Oh, he sent me this song this morning and told me to listen to it. It's named Am I the One by Beth Hart. Check it out...powerful song and the lyrics are incredible. If you like Janice Joplin, she has been reincarnated.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Challenges are Updated!

Wow, with all of our minutes this past week and minutes not previously counted we walked about 227 miles this past week. That is amazing! I have to give kudos to Andrea. Not only is she is our biggest loser with a 4.67% body weight loss so far but she also has the most exercise logged (1180 minutes). You go, girl! Mary Fran comes in at a close second with 1000 minutes.

You guys are doing great! Keep it up!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Things that make you go hmmm...

Either 6pk either has found my blog or we have some sort of strange connection because after my post yesterday, he messaged me about an hour later. How bizarre is that? My 6pk was back last night as his old, flirty self. It was good to have him back and it couldn't have come at a better time. I really needed that.

My mood isn't affecting my weight loss efforts, yay! Although, I have never been one to binge when I am feeling down. If anything, I will forget to eat. I am, however more likely to not go to the gym but I did go to the gym as scheduled for my cardio salsa class. I am very proud of myself. This is the longest I have stuck with something at the gym. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is my belly dancing class, which I have continued to make a fool of myself in, but that's ok. It's exercise and I am determined to one day to get it!

I am going to try to update the challenges but I can't promise anything as I am on deadline at work and it's going to be a long day but we will see what happens. On the bright side I am down 1.4 this week but I am still trying to get out of the 270s and it's killing me to be so close and not get there! This week...it's got to be this week!!! :)

Why the Scale Lies

I really don't have much to offer today. I didn't weigh myself this morning, I was running late but I should be down a pound or two. My social life pretty much sucks. I had lunch with F on Friday. Him and I are going to do a ghost tour of one of the area's haunted hotels on Halloween so at least one of the holidays this year I won't be alone. "A (6-pack)" should be back at work today and still really no word from him...don't know what his problem is unless he is still extremely busy (but I still think you could pick up the phone for 5 minutes to say hello, but hey that's me). I give up. So, because I have nothing else to offer you today, no words of wisdom, no grand stories of weekend romance, nada...I got zilch. I will leave you with this article (it's a good article).


Why The Scale Lies
by Renee Cloe,ACE Certified Personal Trainer

We’ve been told over an over again that daily weighing is unnecessary, yet many of us can’t resist peeking at that number every morning. If you just can’t bring yourself to toss the scale in the trash, you should definitely familiarize yourself with the factors that influence it’s readings. From water retention to glycogen storage and changes in lean body mass, daily weight fluctuations are normal. They are not indicators of your success or failure. Once you understand how these mechanisms work, you can free yourself from the daily battle with the bathroom scale.

Water makes up about 60% of total body mass. Normal fluctuations in the body’s water content can send scale-watchers into a tailspin if they don’t understand what’s happening. Two factors influencing water retention are water consumption and salt intake. Strange as it sounds, the less water you drink, the more of it your body retains. If you are even slightly dehydrated your body will hang onto it’s water supplies with a vengeance, possibly causing the number on the scale to inch upward. The solution is to drink plenty of water.

Excess salt (sodium) can also play a big role in water retention. A single teaspoon of salt contains over 2,000 mg of sodium. Generally, we should only eat between 1,000 and 3,000 mg of sodium a day, so it’s easy to go overboard. Sodium is a sneaky substance. You would expect it to be most highly concentrated in salty chips, nuts, and crackers. However, a food doesn’t have to taste salty to be loaded with sodium. A half cup of instant pudding actually contains nearly four times as much sodium as an ounce of salted nuts, 460 mg in the pudding versus 123 mg in the nuts. The more highly processed a food is, the more likely it is to have a high sodium content. That’s why, when it comes to eating, it’s wise to stick mainly to the basics: fruits, vegetables, lean meat, beans, and whole grains. Be sure to read the labels on canned foods, boxed mixes, and frozen dinners.

Women may also retain several pounds of water prior to menstruation. This is very common and the weight will likely disappear as quickly as it arrives. Pre-menstrual water-weight gain can be minimized by drinking plenty of water, maintaining an exercise program, and keeping high-sodium processed foods to a minimum.

Another factor that can influence the scale is glycogen. Think of glycogen as a fuel tank full of stored carbohydrate. Some glycogen is stored in the liver and some is stored the muscles themselves. This energy reserve weighs more than a pound and it’s packaged with 3-4 pounds of water when it’s stored. Your glycogen supply will shrink during the day if you fail to take in enough carbohydrates. As the glycogen supply shrinks you will experience a small imperceptible increase in appetite and your body will restore this fuel reserve along with it’s associated water. It’s normal to experience glycogen and water weight shifts of up to 2 pounds per day even with no changes in your calorie intake or activity level. These fluctuations have nothing to do with fat loss, although they can make for some unnecessarily dramatic weigh-ins if you’re prone to obsessing over the number on the scale.

Otherwise rational people also tend to forget about the actual weight of the food they eat. For this reason, it’s wise to weigh yourself first thing in the morning before you’ve had anything to eat or drink. Swallowing a bunch of food before you step on the scale is no different than putting a bunch of rocks in your pocket. The 5 pounds that you gain right after a huge dinner is not fat. It’s the actual weight of everything you’ve had to eat and drink. The added weight of the meal will be gone several hours later when you’ve finished digesting it.

Exercise physiologists tell us that in order to store one pound of fat, you need to eat 3,500 calories more than your body is able to burn. In other words, to actually store the above dinner as 5 pounds of fat, it would have to contain a whopping 17,500 calories. This is not likely, in fact it’s not humanly possible. So when the scale goes up 3 or 4 pounds overnight, rest easy, it’s likely to be water, glycogen, and the weight of your dinner. Keep in mind that the 3,500 calorie rule works in reverse also. In order to lose one pound of fat you need to burn 3,500 calories more than you take in. Generally, it’s only possible to lose 1-2 pounds of fat per week. When you follow a very low calorie diet that causes your weight to drop 10 pounds in 7 days, it’s physically impossible for all of that to be fat. What you’re really losing is water, glycogen, and muscle.
This brings us to the scale’s sneakiest attribute. It doesn’t just weigh fat. It weighs muscle, bone, water, internal organs and all. When you lose "weight," that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve lost fat. In fact, the scale has no way of telling you what you’ve lost (or gained). Losing muscle is nothing to celebrate. Muscle is a metabolically active tissue. The more muscle you have the more calories your body burns, even when you’re just sitting around. That’s one reason why a fit, active person is able to eat considerably more food than the dieter who is unwittingly destroying muscle tissue.

Robin Landis, author of "Body Fueling," compares fat and muscles to feathers and gold. One pound of fat is like a big fluffy, lumpy bunch of feathers, and one pound of muscle is small and valuable like a piece of gold. Obviously, you want to lose the dumpy, bulky feathers and keep the sleek beautiful gold. The problem with the scale is that it doesn’t differentiate between the two. It can’t tell you how much of your total body weight is lean tissue and how much is fat. There are several other measuring techniques that can accomplish this, although they vary in convenience, accuracy, and cost. Skin-fold calipers pinch and measure fat folds at various locations on the body, hydrostatic (or underwater) weighing involves exhaling all of the air from your lungs before being lowered into a tank of water, and bioelectrical impedance measures the degree to which your body fat impedes a mild electrical current.

If the thought of being pinched, dunked, or gently zapped just doesn’t appeal to you, don’t worry. The best measurement tool of all turns out to be your very own eyes. How do you look? How do you feel? How do your clothes fit? Are your rings looser? Do your muscles feel firmer? These are the true measurements of success. If you are exercising and eating right, don’t be discouraged by a small gain on the scale. Fluctuations are perfectly normal. Expect them to happen and take them in stride. It’s a matter of mind over scale.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Recipe Thursday

Today is Recipe Thursday. I haven't tried this yet but it sure looks good. So if anyone does try it before I have a chance to, you have to let me know how it is.


Southwestern Pumpkin Burgers
Recipe courtesy EatingWell.com

Prep Time: 1 hr 0 min
Serves: 6 servings
Nutrition Info: 331 calories, 13g fat, 45g carb, 12g protein, 6g fiber


Ingredients:
6 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 cup finely chopped red or green bell pepper 1/2 cup fresh or frozen corn
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon ground cumin
Fresh Tomato Salsa, optional (recipe follows)
1/2 cup canned unseasoned pumpkin puree
1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack or Cheddar cheese
1/2 cup toasted wheat germ
1/2 cup fine dry breadcrumbs
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon salt
Freshly ground pepper to taste
6 8-inch flour tortillas (soft-taco size)
2 cups shredded lettuce


Directions:
Heat 2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add onion and cook, stirring often, until softened, 5 to 7 minutes. Stir in bell pepper, corn, garlic, chili powder and cumin; cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 2 minutes more. Transfer to a large bowl; let cool to room temperature, about 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, prepare Fresh Tomato Salsa, if using.

Add pumpkin, cheese, wheat germ, breadcrumbs, parsley, salt and pepper to the onion mixture; mix well. With dampened hands, form the vegetable mixture into six 1/2-inch-thick patties, using about 1/2 cup for each.

Preheat oven to 325°F. Stack tortillas and wrap in aluminum foil. Place in the oven for about 15 minutes to heat through. (Alternatively, stack tortillas between two damp paper towels; microwave on high for 30 to 60 seconds, or until heated through.)

Using 2 teaspoons oil per batch, cook 2 to 4 patties at a time in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat until browned and heated through, about 4 minutes per side. Adjust heat as necessary for even browning. Wrap the patties in tortillas and serve immediately, garnished with lettuce and Fresh Tomato Salsa, if desired.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Challenge Updates

I had my belly dancing class again last night. Every time I think I am starting to get the hang of something, I am fooled..hehe. It's actually kind of funny I forget my left from my right, quite frequently. Last night the instructor tells me to watch myself in the mirror. I can't. How can I watch myself in the mirror and pay attention to what she is doing at the same time? I am addicted and I am going to learn this, if it kills me. It's so bad that when I get home I am walking across the house shimmying to practice. Now, if I start doing this at the office, someone must stop me!!!

I didn't update the challenges yesterday because I was hoping to get more updates but couldn't wait any longer. Both updates are done. Eliana is in the lead with our weight challenge. You go, girl. You are doing great! We started out at the same weight. I am going to have to see if I can kick it up a notch to catch up with you (not sure how, but it sounds good right?).

I thought I was doing good with the exercise challenge, but Andrea claims on her blog that she has been lazy lately (whatever) is leading with 830 total minutes of exercise over 3 weeks. Good job! I have increased my exercise each week but I am stil about 400 minutes shy of Andrea so if she has been lazy, I have been a sloth? Hmm, gonna have to pick that up a notch too!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Challenge Updates

I had every intention when I woke up yesterday morning to go to my cardio salsa class after work. However, after work I just didn't have it in me. I talked myself out of going to the gym. Of course, this doesn't take a whole lot of talking. I went home, let the dog out and got on the computer and started playing my game. Around 5:20, I turned off my game, got up, walked into my room and put on my shorts, my gym shoes, and a tshirt and took my happy ass to the gym. I forced myself to get to the gym. I forced myself to do the cardio salsa class and I walked out 45 minutes later a sweaty mess and I felt good about it. Wait, good is not the right word. I felt awesome! Not only, did I talk myself into going after I had already talked myself out of going, which never happens, but I had a great workout (thought I was going to need a bodybag there for a little bit).

Anyway, only down .6 this week. I want more but I shouldn't be too upset considering Tom was around with Hungry and I ate things I shouldn't have. I am also still losing and the scale continues to go down every week since I started taking my new thyroid meds. I am just so anxious to get out of the 270s. I haven't been out of the 270s in about 5 years and so badly want out of them (and was only out of them because I had pnemonia)!!! I want to be less than 250 by Christmas. I might have to step up the exercise some more.

I will update the exercise and weight challenges later when there is more to report!

Monday, October 13, 2008

I have no name today

There really isn't much to report. My eating was out of control last week. Remember, I told you Tom was in town and I forgot he brings Hungry with him too. I am ravenous when Tom is around, the bastard! Other people have chocolate cravings, I just want to shovel food in. It could have been worse. I did try to keep it in check. The problem isn't necessarily the amount of food I am eating, it is what I am eating. I had all those foods that aren't good for you and in moderation are ok once in awhile but not all in one week :). I kept an eye on the scale all week though to keep things in check but then forgot to weigh in this morning.

A is coming back to town tomorrow. A hasn't had one minute to himself since he has been back. I spoke to him yesterday and something still isn't right with him. I can't quite put my finger on it yet. It could be just that he hasn't had a moment to himself. I'm not going to pressure him into seeing me either. In his own time. I'm not in a hurry. As much as I would love to see him, touch him, hug him, I would also love to lose a few more pounds so that little black dress of mine looks even better. Believe it or not, even at 275 lbs I can still look good in a little black dress. It also wouldn't hurt for me to have a few more belly dancing lessons to give him a private viewing :).

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Recipe Thursday and more...


I took last night off from any classes and actually feel guilty about it. I have Cardio Sculpt tonight but not sure I will be able to make it as Tom is visiting and he hasn't been packing light lately. Tom has been bringing the other dwarves with him Bloaty, Crampy, Achy, Sleepy, Weepy, and Unhappy with him.
On that note, here is an email that I am sure many of you have probably have seen passed around before but I love it, so I would share.
Supposedly,

This is an actual letter sent to Procter & Gamble from **** ****, Austin, Texas, regarding their feminine products. . . .

Dear Mr. ****,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. ****? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must also know about the the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful wanted to reach inside my body and and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, ****? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local KMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
**** ****Austin, Texas
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On the bright side or somewhat bright side, I did talk to A briefly last night. He didn't seem himself but I didn't pry. He did tell me that his family and friends have him running ragged so he's probably drained. It was good to talk to him, I have missed him and can't wait until he is finally home, home.

Now, without further ado, Recipe Thursday....
Thai Vegetable Curry
I have not tried this yet but I love thai curry and if you did not know this, supposedly spicy foods rev up your metabolism. This recipe is very low in points if you are doing WW (extremely low) so you could always add some chicken, turkey or tofu to the mix and still have a very low point dinner.
This recipe was prepared by Chef Kevin Bozis for
"Stir It Up in Chicago" event at Kendall College, entitled "A Spicy Asian Journey," in August 2005.

Ingredients
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup Thai Red Curry Powder
1 large white onion, finely diced
1 red bell pepper, finely diced
1 head cauliflower, chopped
4 medium potatoes, peeled and chopped
1 can (15 oz.) lite coconut milk
1 bunch lemongrass, cleaned and chopped
juice of 2 limes

Serves / Yields
8-10 servings (10 servings = 3 pts per serving)

Preparation Instructions
Make a paste with the Thai Red Curry seasoning and water. Heat a large pot with 2 teaspoons oil. Add the onion and bell peppers. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, for a couple minutes. Add the curry paste and blend. Slowly add the coconut milk, whisking to blend. Add the cauliflower and potatoes. Add the lemongrass and lime juice. Bring to simmer, and cook for 30-40 minutes until the potatoes are done.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

My toenails hurt


I went to belly dancing again last night. First, I am very proud of myself for going to the class a second time after the first humiliating experience. I do think that I did a little bit better the second time around. The instructor told me I had beautiful curves and she felt that I will get the hang of it. I hope she isn't just humoring me. Time will tell. My body aches from head to toe. I seriously think my toenails hurt. I am taking today off from any classes seeing as I have had dance classes for 3 days in a row. I might still go to the gym and do some weights on the arms. I am committed this time or maybe I should be committed, not sure which yet. Shhh, don't tell anyone but I took a peek at the scale this morning. *Looks around, make sure no one can here and whispers, it said 270 :). Baby, it's going to be 269 or less by end of week (I hope). If, in fact I make it to 269, I have not been that weight since I was sick with pnemonia about five years ago and I only saw that number for about a week.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Challenge Update

It's that time!

It's time for me to update the challenges. I will be doing it later today to allow a little more time to get some of the weights and times in. So far it looks like Andrea is our biggest loser so far...you go girl! I am going to have to step it up a notch :).

Will write more later...

Oh, and I want to talk about this blog following. It seems I can follow some but not others. I don't know why but I want to be able to follow. Is this something we have to set up for people to follow? Anyone know?

OK UPDATE....

May I make a request for those of you that use Blogger? Put the Following widget on your blog. It lets you know who all of your admiring fans are (well if they aren't doing it anonymously) and it automatically tells your readers when there are updates to the blog :). It's a beautiful thing! You don't have to, but it really is such a wonder widget.

How to add the Following widget to your blog

It's really easy to add the Following widget to your blog. First go to the Layout | Page Elements tab for your blog:

Click the "Add a Gadget" link that appears in the sidebar of your layout. You'll then see a popup window with all the different types of Gadgets you can add to your blog. (The Following widget will initially be experimental, so some users may not be able to add widget.) Look for the one called "Followers" and click on the blue "+" icon:

Ok, more later ....

Ok, I'm back!

The exercise challenge update and the Biggest Loser Update is done! Mary Fran is kicking some butt with exercise!!! I need to kick mine up a notch but I am for it. I have classes planned for almost every day this week!

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Music Will Lead You...

The music will lead you...that's what the instructor kept telling me throughout the class on Sunday. Sure, it will. What she didn't realize is that I have two left feet, possibly three. I went to the line dancing class or AKA torture class. I figured it wasn't going to be much of a workout, but I thought it would be fun. I was totally wrong. I was drenched in sweat by the time we were done. I couldn't even tell you what dances we did in there, my brain turned to mush after the third or fourth one. We did do the Mambo and a little bit of Waltzing at the end. As we shuffled, weaved, grapevined across the floor she continued to tell me the music will lead me. Lady, this music isn't leading me anywhere! She told me that the music is shy and doesn't know me yet but when it gets to know me, it will lead me. hehe...sure it will...lol. I must have looked like a buffoon. Whatever. I am getting to the point that I don't care what I look like in these classes. I am not there to please anyone else.

After 75 grueling minutes of tripping all over myself and the 70 year old women in the class feeling bad for me (how is that for an ego booster?), I decide to check out the Zumba class immediately following this class. I only had intentions of sitting and watching a few minutes to see what it was all about. I ended up doing a bit of Zumba for about 20 minutes until I could do no more. My head was pounding, my heart was pounding, my hips were hurting, I was thirsty and if I continued I was going to need a body bag. 95 minutes was enough!

By the way, does anyone know what kind of shoes I should get for gym floors? Mine kind of stick to the floor, which could be contributing to my two left feet. I need something that glides better.

Today, my body hates me. Yesterday when I weighed myself the scale looked good. It was showing about a 4lb loss for the week. This morning only .2! Damn scale!!! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!! :) The bright side is it is still going down and I am happy about that.

In other news...I am mad at A (well, not really but...) I haven't heard one single word from him since Tuesday when he had sent a message saying that he was in the States. I know he is with his family right now and it's probably pretty hectic. I really didn't expect to hear from him but was kind of hoping. *sigh. I miss him. I figure maybe next week when things start to calm down for him (I hope), he might get some time to get in touch with me.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Long drive to work has its benefits



I never thought there were any advantages to driving 23 miles one way to work. However, I am finding that there is one. I have the privilege of having 5 different YMCAs to choose from on my way home. Yes, I said FIVE! You know what that means?! I will have plenty of choices when it comes to the classes that I am deathly afraid to take. You are probably asking why I am deathly afraid or maybe you already know. I don't like to be the center of attention. I have always had this fear that people are watching me and they are saying to their buddies, "Hey, look at that fat chic". I think the reason why I have this fear is because as a child, they were saying it. I could hear them taunt me. It never goes away. So, over the years it has kept me from doing things that I have wanted to do in the fear that someone would be watching me thinking "OMG, look at the fat chic". Prior to this blog, I would have never said this to anyone. Granted, it's not like I am saying it out loud to my best friend but I am telling you. That's a start. Anyway, I have this horrible problem of getting sidetracked! Back to the Y. So, I have 5, yes FIVE Y's that are on my way home. Some are out of the way, but not so out of the way that it would be a problem to get to. My goal this month is to try the classes. I know that if I could just get over my inital fear to get into the class and go a few times, I would stick with it. It sure beats the treadmill. If I can make a fool of myself in the belly dancing class, I think I can almost withstand anything. This weekend, I am going to be going to the line dancing class which goes over all genres of music, that should be a lot of fun and may take the zumba class right after (two hours at the gym..woo hoo). I have printed out all of the schedules and circled the classes I want to try and if I end up going to all of them. I will be living in the gym ...lol. If by chance I actually ended up doing all this, I will melt down to nothing in no time (or one could hope anyway) :) Mondays: Cardio Kickboxing, Cardio Salsa Tuesdays: Belly dancing Wednesdays: Zumba Thursdays: Cardio Sculpt, Zumba Friday: Cardio Kickboxing, Zumba, Dance Sculpt (hmm, scheduling conflicts here) Saturday: Horseback riding Sunday: Line dancing, Zumba

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Recipe Thursday

See, I told you I would get back into the swing of things :P

Today is ....


Pineapple Cranberry Pork Roast
...and it is made in the crockpot!

Ingredients
1 (3 pound) pork roast
1 20 ounce) can crushed pineapple, undrained
1 (1 ounce) packet dry onion soup mix
1 cup dried cranberries
2 Tablespoons flour
3 Tablespoons water

Instructions
Place pork roast in a 6-quart crock-pot. In a medium bowl mix pineapple, dry soup mix and dried cranberries; pour over roast. Cook on low heat setting for 8 hours or high heat for 4 hours. Remove roast to serving platter and increase heat to high (if necessary). Whisk together flour and water and blend into pan juices; cover and cook for 15 minutes. To serve slice roast, whisk pan gravy to blend well and serve with sliced roast.

Notes: This is a nice change from the usual pork roast. The pineapple and cranberries really accent the pork roast and make a nice, chunky sauce for pouring over mashed potatoes or egg noodles.

Number of Servings: 8 - 10 pts per serving

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Zigging instead of Zagging

I had to ask my boss the other day if I could come in late yesterday and work late. He didn't have a problem with it. He really doesn't care what I do. I am pretty close with my boss so I told him that I will be taking belly dancing classes on Tuesday evenings. He commented on
entertainment for the Christmas party. Great! Two margaritas in each hand, a slimmer body and belly dancing experience sounds like a deadly combination.

So, two co-workers (T & L) and I head to the belly dancing class last night. There are 8 of us besides the instructor. Most have been there a long time. One started the week before. T has been going for a couple of weeks so she had a bit of an advantage over L and I. All I can say is that I am glad that the class was not taped. There is no evidence! This was supposed to be a beginner's class but it seemed like we jumped right in. I want to learn how to move the hips first before I start moving across the room, moving them! How the heck do you shimmy? Then, we had to shimmy and walk. I couldn't even shimmy much less walk while shimmying. After the class I asked the instructor if there was a tape that we could get to learn the basics and she told me that we are in a beginner's class and that she didn't exactly follow that format last night. Gee, thanks! I almost wish I could see a tape simply because I know I looked like a complete bafoon! She was turning across the room (I have no idea what the correct term is) and I would end up facing the wrong direction. I should have zigged, when I should have zagged. It was a mess. I know the other girls were laughing at me, on the inside. I did order a belly dancing basics tape last night on Ebay...hehe.

I told F that I was taking classes, he wants a private showing. I told him to bring dollars :). He no longer gets the privilege of having free showings...hehe.

Oh, how could I forget! Last night at 10p , A (my 6pack...notice the "my") sent me a message (darn, it I missed it) that he was in the States and would be home at about `0:30 this morning. So, in about 2 hours, he will be about 30 minutes from me. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Exercise Challenge..where did we go?

Wow, as a group we walked (well, you guys did..I wasn't much of a contributor last week) approximately 66.5 miles. That's a lot of mileage!!! You have to check out the status to see where we are! I am excited to see where we will be next week. This is a lot of fun for me. I want to thank you guys for participating. It keeps me motivated.


You guys did great with the weight challenge too! What a great first week! For those of you that haven't gotten in on it, you are more than welcome to join. Some friendly competition never hurt anyone :) We only flog you at the end of each week.

Did you guys see the comment left on my blog yesterday?

Hello. I am a university professor who is conducting research on WEIGHT LOSS BLOGGERS AND THE ROLE BLOGGING HAS PLAYED IN THE BLOGGER’S WEIGHT LOSS. As you may be aware, a lot of research has been done over the years on weight loss but very little has been done on blogging and weight loss. I hope you will help me remedy this.I have chosen you as a potential research participant because you have a weight loss blog, have a weight loss goal of 100 pounds or more, and have been blogging for at least three months.If you choose to participate in this study, you will be asked to complete a survey that I will email you. Your answers will be completely confidential and I will use a pseudonym of your choice in the final study.I have an information sheet about the study I would be happy to share with you. Please email me at aldridga@nsuok.edu if you would like to take a look at it.Thank you for your time and best of luck to you on your weight loss journey.Sincerely,Amy Aldridge Sanford, PhDAssistant Professor of Communication StudiesNortheastern State UniversityTahlequah, OK


Hmm...might have to check that out. What will it hurt right?

In other news, I haven't heard from A this morning so I am hoping that's a good sign that he is on a plane somewhere (one that works)!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Weekly Weigh-In, Challenges

I am down 1.2 lbs this week. Yay, for me! I will be updating our weight challenge as I receive updated. The exercise challenge update will be done on Tuesday mornings. Any late comers that submit their weekly results after I have updated will be credited to the following week's results. I am excited! I wonder how far we walked (I should say I wonder how far you guys carried me this week cuz not much physical activity for me).
My bathroom is almost totally complete so I will be showing off those pictures soon.
Despite the weekend being a bit rough with my mom going to the ER and poor A still stuck in Iraq, things are good. A is still there as of this morning. In fact, I have been talking to him all morning. The plane is broke. They have taken his room, his belongings, everything so now he is not only stuck there but he is homeless (in his words). The poor guy is literally going insane. He told me this morning, "they have to get me home, I'm going to start walking around with my #%%# in hand talking to it.....while slightly drooling on myself". I couldn't help, but laugh my ass off at him.



Oh, I went and saw Nights in Rodanthe and I have to tell you it pissed me off. I am not going to tell you about the movie in case you have plans on seeing it. All I can say is that it really pissed me off!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Bleh Weekend...

It's early Sunday morning and I have been anxiously awaiting to hear from A, at least hoping to hear from A. I didn't even know if I would hear from him when he got into the States or not. I checked my email this morning from my phone, while in bed (I know I am pathetic) and there was an email from him. I was so excited, until I opened it. He is still there. He hasn't left! In his email, he says his flight keeps on getting pushed back and is now pushed back to Monday, then he says, it will get pushed back then too. He has given up. His last sentence to me was, "I am so *#%^ depressed". I feel so helpless. As I read this, the tears came (seeing as I am very emotional anyway) not because he isn't home but because I can "see" his pain and I can't do anything for him. I can't say or do anything to help him through his pain. I just want to reach through the computer and wrap my arms around him and never let him go. *frown

I was able to talk to him for a couple of hours on the computer then and help take his mind off of it or at least I hope so. He is due to leave again tomorrow if the flight doesn't get pushed back again. I hope for his sake it doesn't. I don't know how much more he can handle mentally. I worry about him. He told me that one of the girls that was also heading home had a dream that the flight they were scheduled to take crashed so maybe it's a blessing in disguise that it was postponed. Everyone cross their fingers that he gets to come home tomorrow.

Then, yesterday my mother calls me around 7p and tells me that she is in the emergency room. Why? She tells me she has really bad pains in her left side so they are doing CT scans and they suspect the galbladder. I asked her when she went in....get this, 2 p! I asked her why she didn't call me. She didn't want to worry me. *sigh. They did that same thing when she was unconscious with the head injury in the trauma unit at the hospital. Anyway, it turns out that everything is ok. They sent her home with pills. They say it is colitus. Have no idea what causes that or what but I guess she is ok. Phew...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Breaking News

I had a post all figured out for today but it has left my brain completely because there is breaking news!

A is coming home!

I should also mention that I have found our starting point of our "vacation" AKA exercise challenge. You can see our starting point by checking the status link (above the posts).
Did I mention that...
A is coming home!
The bad news is I still probably won't be able to see him for a couple of weeks. He has to go through the whole release from the military, then off to spend time with his family but at least he will be in the same country and same state. Yes, 6pack will be in the same state within the next 48 hours so you ladies in the same state as me...HANDS OFF, HE'S MINE ....hehe.
Might be time to go buy a new outfit :)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

More talk about challenges

The challenge is on. Those that have commented that they want to be involved have been added. I will start the roster for the exercise challenge sometime today, as well. I will also get together our route for our exercise challenge...where we are going. If there are any requests for our trip, please feel free to throw in your requests.

I have really been slacking on the whole Recipe Thursday. I will get my act together soon. Promise :).

The winners of the last challenge should be receiving their winnings sometime this week. They were mailed yesterday, finally! Sorry, it took so long, but I hope you like them!

*****************************************************************************

More Details...

The weight challenge starts, well now and runs through Monday, November 24th, 2008. There is no time limit to sign up. To be part of the challenge, just comment on the blog that you want to participate and your starting weight. What are the rules, you ask? Each week, come back and visit. Leave me a comment with your weekly weigh in. It doesn't necessarily have to be on Monday seeing as not everyone weighs in on Mondays. Near the top of the page, you will find a link to the challenge status with everyone that is participating. Make sure to visit your fellow bloggers for support and motivation. The number one rule... have fun!
Promote the challenge to others.

How it is going to work?

Each week when I receive the weekly weigh-ins, I will update this blog with the percentage of weight lost. We are not using pounds because some have more to lose than others. Percentage of body weight is the key.

What do I get if I win?

You get nothing (insert Gene Wilder's voice from Willie Wonka)..hehe. J/K. You get a pat on the back? You get the admiration of all us other "losers"? You never know there might be a prize waiting at the end. It will be a surprise.

Exercise Challenge

If you want to participate in the exercise challenge, it will be similar to the weight challenge. Each week you will provide me with the number of minutes you exercised during the week. This doesn't necessarily need to be just exercise conducted in the gym, etc. If you were outside weeding your garden for 2 hours, count it! That's exercise! Pressing the remote control button does not count. Use your own good judgement. I would like to see this turn into a friendly competition among us..however, don't overdo it either and cause yourself any injuries. Now, to make it a little more interesting and fun each week I will convert our minutes into miles. We are going on vacation. We are going to walk across the country and at this point we have absolutely no idea where we will be stopping along the way. This could be a lot of fun....so if you would like to get involved and go on our virtual vacation, let me know!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Challenges!!!!!

The Challenge...

There are two..there is the exercise challenge and there is the weight loss challenge. The weight loss challenge will be like the one I hosted before with the exception of prizes (sorry!). There may be something in it for the first prize winner. Time will tell. Surprises are always fun! Let me tell you something, my scale is going down everyday so I am going to be giving you ladies a run for your money this time :P. So here's the deal. We will start this week, and we will go 8 weeks. Each week, when you weigh in (it doesn't necessarily need to be Mondays) comment on my blog and I will update the stats. I am going to work on some bling, as well. I need to get the creative juices flowing. I need more coffee for that :). So ladies (and gents, if there any) leave me a comment tell me want to join us and let the friendly competition begin!

The exercise challenge will work similar to the weight challenge. Each week comment with the time exercised in minutes. Which one of us really is the gym rat? (I know it's not me...hehe). Each week, I will compile the number of minutes and convert them to miles walked and we are going on a trip. We are starting in Florida seeing as that's where I live. Where do you want to go? Shall we hike to Alaska? Should we try to visit everyone in the challenge? We will take the scenic route and take some pictures along the way. This could be a lot of fun! Want to join? Let me know in the comments!!! It starts now and will last for 8 weeks.

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I have been having issues lately. Self worth/esteem issues. Things have been bothering me that wouldn't normally bother me. Last week F and I had a conversation that hasn't left my head. A comment he made to me just slapped me in the face repeatedly and of course, he had absolutely no idea that it did that to me. Last night I emailed him and shared with him my deepest, darkest secrets because above everything else he still is my friend. I explained everything in my screwed up head. I brought up the comment that bothered me and why it bothered me. Anyway to make a long story short, he messaged me last night and it turned into probably one of our best conversations ever. He knows what issues I am dealing with and why I have those issues or at least the theory I have behind those issues. Although our issues are different, they are similar and affect our self worth. He told me last night that I am a beautiful person inside and out and that any man would be lucky to have me, just some are idiots sometimes (he must be referring to himself..hehe). He told me that he just can't seem to let go of me, it's another issue of his. He said he can't love anyone else, until he loves himself and he is working on that. What a cliche'..but he's right. So it was a really good conversation and I think we have actually grown in some ways...not towards getting back together or anything like that..just grown. Hard to explain. Last night I was thinking about these issues that I am having...then I realized this self esteem/self worth crap phase that I am going through..just started. I am not normally like this...it's the medicine!!!

I should be happy...my scale is going down every day. Literally, every day its going down. Today it was 272. yay. A is coming home at some point and he is a sweet, sweet man that has potential. My bathroom is being remodeled. My roommate is gone. F and I are friends. Bills are getting paid, not a whole lot of money leftover but am doing ok so far. Nothing to be upset about, right? So WTF is my problem?

So, I just need to some how keep this in perspective that it's got to be the meds making me feel this way and keep it in check.