Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Soul Searching

Everyone talks about finding their triggers, what prompted us to binge, overeat, insert your favorite term here, etc.). I have done a lot of soul searching and haven't really come up with much. I have been overweight all my life so I can't think of any traumatic experience in my life (although there have been several) that would have prompted me to comfort myself with food. I can go back to pictures of when I was 3 and I was a little butterball. Heck, I weighed 12lbs 8 oz when I was born, so what went wrong? My father was a very large man so I do believe genetics play a part in it and I have an extremely underactive thyroid (that I am horrible about taking my meds) so that probably plays a part in it but I can't blame DNA for all of it. I do remember as a 3rd grader I ate crap. I drank soda, ate the twinkies, the cookies, potato chips, etc. All the kids in this small town used to gather at one particular house. A reporter came by one day and took our picture for the local newspaper. In the picture, I was in the middle (the one with the fat rolls) holding a two liter bottle of soda.

We only lived in that town one school year before we moved to Florida. During that time in the town, I was molested 3x, once by an adult. I don't attribute this to my weight issues seeing as I had them long before this happened. I haven't really thought about "that" and I never told anyone until a couple of years ago and that was to my mother. If I would have ever told my father, he would have killed them. One was the son of their best friends. I was told to stay away from him and I didn't.

So we moved to Florida because my grandfather moved and my mom followed. My father remained up north. My grandfather was married to this bitch, Jan and because of her my grandfather disowned my mother and me. I was 12 or something like that. When he died, I went to the cemetary just to make sure he was dead (that is so horrible of me to say!). Jan, the bitch, grabbed my arm and not lightly, and said "I hope you have no animosity toward me". Nope, not at all I hate you. At a later date, I think I told her to go to hell (and I meant it).

Then, when I was 13 my father died (he was 39, overweight and a smoker). My father was my world. I was supposed to be flying up north to see him the following week. I hadn't seen him in an over a year. It was the first day of summer vacation, prior to entering high school. My grandmother, who I thought I was very close with blamed me for his death. Me, not being there killed him. I was 13, I believed her. To some degree, I still blame myself. If I would have been there with him, I could have called 911 or helped somehow.

Now, I didn't write all this as a "woe is me" post, I wrote it to try to do some soul searching. I don't think any of these events in my life made me turn to food for comfort. I could be wrong, how does one know? I am not a sweets eater anymore. Occasionally, I will want something sweet but not like when I lived in that small town. I don't keep that crap in my house. I am not a snacker. I am not a closet eater. Here's what I do know: I am a picky eater, I am a fast eater (had to be with my brother around or else you wouldn't get to eat) and I really would prefer not to exercise. Now, I am just rambling because all of this soul searching, I have come up with nothing, nada, zilch. *sigh


Manuela said...

Wow, what a story. Thanks for sharing. I think that a lot of us don't necessarily blame any one thing on why we overeat. Hey, I can honestly say that I LOVE the taste of food, some things better than others (homemade cinnamon rolls from a farmers market come to mind!)

But, I have finally admitted to myself this past week that I'm an emotional eater and that I do tend to fill the empty, boring times in my life with something, anything.

It's something I need to deal with and get a grip on. I know that I can do it. As I was coming home from the gym today, the last song I heard was "I will survive". Remember disco? Very motivational.

Have a fantastic day!!!

Thinking Thin said...

Mmmmm cinnamon rolls. That sounds so yummy.

That song "I will survive" reminds me of a little video someone sent me a long time ago. It's this little alien singing the song and then all of a sudden the disco ball falls and squashes him. hehe...I might have to find that.

Lynn said...

(This has nothing to do with your post, just wanted to make sure you saw it...)

I'm on the Area 52 server...

Hanlie said...

Thank you for sharing that with us... I think a lot of the times it's a combination of bad habits and emotional responses that cause us to overeat.

Remember, we don't exercise for weight loss, we exercise to be healthy. Good health cannot be achieved without exercise.

Hanlie said...

By the way, that is a beautiful picture. It really speaks to me!

Scale Junkie said...

First all, none of the things that happened when you were a child were your fault. I hope you know that and believe it in your heart.

You may have been a "butterball" as a child but those other events certainly contributed to your problems even if they started before then, its possible there were events that happened that you just haven't remembered yet.

I'm in the process of sorting out my life from my earliest memories onward. I'm learning to acknowledge what happened in the past, put it in its place and let it go. Its not easy but the more I do it, the more I find I really don't want to numb with food.

You are very brave to put this out there for the world to see, you may want to continue exploring this in a private journal and just cry and let it all out and then let the healing begin.

I buy shoes from Nordstroms in International mall, look for a brand called Munro or Sofwalk, very comfy shoes or I order online from Zappos. My shoes are very boring but I do buy quality shoes that support my body.

Just keep hanging in there.
Big Hugs for you!!

Grumpy Chair said...

One way to figure out if you are an emotional eater is to keep an emotion/food journal.

Each time you eat (off plan) write out your emotions and how you are feeling. After several times, you might see a pattern of the same emotions.

Hugs to you.

Heather said...

I dont really know if we can ever pinpoint something that made us this way. probably mostly just years of picking up bad habits. I agree with the others though..keeping a journal will help. the journal I use has a space for what I eat and how Im feeling. then I can start to associate my emotions with what foods I turn to.

Manuela said...

If you find that video, please share it!

MB said...

It is so sad that you had your childhood taken away. Your story made me cry for the little girl that survived those tramatizing experiences. You are so strong. I hope the soul searching helps you reach all your life goals. You deserve to be happy.