Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The talk...

Well, before I left work today I messaged F and asked if we were talking tonight. He responded, "I guess" which obviously translates into "Oh God, if I have to". I don't blame him. Women do not approach men about emotional crap in the right way. Many times it is confrontational so of course they dread "talks". I have never been one to confront. What good does it do? You get termed "psychotic". That's one thing I can say is any ex will never tell you I was psychotic...now looking back I should have been with some of them :).

Anyway, I am nervous the entire drive to his apartment. I get there and he wasn't there yet so I drove around and wondering if maybe I should just go home and fade out of his life. I go back to his apartment and he is home. I knock on the door and when he answers it, I asked him if it was the dreaded door knock. He tells me he hates these types of conversations. I tell him I do, too. He acted surprised. He thought all women liked to have these talks...well if that's the case, I am not your typical woman. I don't like having any sort of talk like that with a man. They hate it, I hate it.

I asked him what he was uncomfortable with and he told me he didn't really know. I told him that I know it started last Friday night and he said no, it started before that. He said he has been becoming increasingly uncomfortable but it hasn't been anything I have done. I asked if there was someone else. He told me no, it would be hard to beat me. So that's when I started stumbling because I needed to bring up another topic and didn't know how to do it. I have spent agonizing hours trying to figure out how to bring up what I think the problem is. I needed to sit down for this. I told him I am a smart girl, he says I know. I told him, "we are friends and I want you to be comfortable with me but I think there are things that you have kept from me". I don't want to go in great detail because it would be wrong for me to post this stuff on the Internet but I am sure if you read between the lines, you will understand what might have been a sensitive issue. Needless to say, it embarassed him a bit but I think he was relieved that I was ok with it. I told him I am ok with everything unless you plan on dressing up in women's clothes. He said, that's it you have seen my pumps, haven't you? :) He said that "that" could be some of it but he can't put his finger on what exactly is making him uncomfortable. I asked him if he is getting too close to me and that scares him. He said yes. I said, "where do we go from here"? He told me he hadn't thought that far ahead. I asked him if he needed time. He said maybe. It was obvious to me that he really does care about me and doesn't know what to do about it. He told me how wonderful I was and that he didn't want to lose me from his life. He asked if I would be ok with being friends for now. I asked for how long. I told him I am not going to wait 5 years for him to decide that I am worth the risk. So I asked him, "So you are willing to lose me because you're afraid of taking the risk to be with me"? He said, "lose you?, oh so you are saying that it's possible that some other man could scoop you up?" Well, it's not out of the realm of possibilities but that's not really what I was referring to.

His hand was on the couch and I started playing with his finger, toying with it. He told me to quit being cute in his playful tone. I told him no. We talked about a few other things and I'm not sure I got any answers but one important thing is out in the open. Overall, even though I was deathly afraid of going over there to talk to him, I am glad I did. I had almost thought about just going home and fade from his life but I care about him too much to not at least try. I think, that if we get back to what we were, we will have an even better relationship because the one most difficult topic a man ever has to talk about is now out in the open with no judgement from me.

I didn't stay long. He gave me a long, lingering hug and I kissed him on the neck. He said, "bye sweetie". I gave him a teary goodbye as I walked out the door.

I don't know what's next but I think I need to give him time to mull things over in his head. I don't know how much time. My boss (who I can confide in) called me tonight to see if I was ok. He is in town and asked me if I wanted to go have a drink so I went. I told him what was going on. He was there as my friend, not as my manager. He told me to give him until Monday, then send him a message that his lack of words speaks volumes (if I don't hear from him) but that I need to be prepared for the consequences. I don't know if it needs to be that cut and dry but I know I need to give F a chance to miss me. I don't know how long I need to give him. I don't know if I should go invisible on my IM so he doesn't see me or leave it on so he does see me, but don't contact him. He needs to come to me. I know this.

I was ready to tell him tonight when I left that I loved him..what do I have to lose, right? I didn't. I suppose if I don't hear from him in a reasonable amount of time, I will tell him in some form just so he knows. *sigh

Basically, what it boils down to is, I think he loves me and is afraid of the past but what he hasn't realized is nothing risked, nothing gained.


RunningNan said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something i could say that would make you feel better.

I really wish my eyes would focus this morning so I could read everything

Manuela said...

Again, all the best.

I think you're right to just back off for now. Leave yourself available to him if he wants to reach you. Ultimatums are never good and you haven't done that.

You sound like you have a good friend there and that's something to build on. He may just need time to think things over and I'm sure it won't take 5 years!

Go on with our life--HYC, going to the gym, etc. It will work out in the end. Just remember to do what is best for you.

elife said...

I'm sorry. I admire the upfront way in which you handled it.

Ready to Shrink said...

Give it time. I think your thoughts on letting him miss you a little are dead on. Whatever you decide, remember to take care of you and your heart first. We are pulling for ya chica.


Oh hun, I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of upset. So not fair.

We're here for you though. Keep us posted.

Big Girl said...

Good job on having "the talk." It's so hard to do and you were so brave. Make sure you stay extra busy the next few days so you won't have as much time to mull things over and miss him too much.

Remember, we're all there for you.

ptg said...

Good for you for just putting one foot in front of the other and getting there and talking to him. I'm sure it wasn't easy but you did it.

Give him time. If it were me, I would take myself off of IM (so you're not even "available" as it were). He knows how to get a hold of you if he wants to.

Good luck, and remember that we're all here for you!

Crystal said...

I'm giving you a big bear hug right now. You are handling this whole situation like a champ.

Jamie said...

BOYS ARE ICKY! Love 'em to death but sometimes they do things that just makes you want to kick 'em in the head!

Great big bear hug from WI coming your way!