Good Morning

I am rather "chipper" this morning. I don't know why, I still had to get up at the ass crack of dawn and drag my big ol butt into work. I have coffee though, so all is well with the world.
I could be in a good mood because the month is almost over, or maybe the fact that F has contacted me twice since Saturday when I told him I wouldn't be contacting him anymore or maybe because it's the start of a new (short) week!

I didn't get a chance to weigh myself this morning so will do it tomorrow morning. Shame on me. I know, go take me about back and flog me, would ya?

As I mentioned on Thursday, I am going to start making Thursdays Recipe Thursday. So the recipes don't get lost in cyberspace, I have created another blog devoted to recipes. http://thinkingthinrecipes.blogspot.com/

So, I am going to leave you with this today...

"It's our attitude at the beginning of a difficult undertaking, which, more than anything else, will determine its successful outcome." - William James

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and the Scale Gods were kind. Don't forget to comment me with your weigh-ins.

UPDATE:

I received a comment from Manuela this morning telling me there was a surprise on her blog. I thought I would be welcomed with more beautiful pictures of flowers, and in fact, I was. However, the surprise was I got my first blog award. Manuela you made my day. Thank you! I would give the award right back to you, if it said I could in the rules :P.

Now, I need to choose 5 bloggers to award this too and this has got to be the most difficult thing to do. There are so many wonderful bloggers out there! So, seeing as I am not allowed to give it to everyone, here are the five that I am selecting.

1. Diane, Scale Junkie - for everything you do. You are the reason many of us have come into contact with each other. You are a true gem and one of these days we will drive that two miles to meet :).

2. Fat Bridesmaid - You, my dear have this ability to always put a smile on my face. I find your posts humorous and your wit so much like my own. How could I not think you're great? :)

3. Running Nan - You were one of my first commenters when I started this blog and you are such a huge inspiration. Thank you.

4. Cammy - You are a wonderful writer and also a great inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and for Makeover Mondays!

5. Chubby Chick for taking a short break from the blogosphere and found the oompph to come back. I always enjoyed your blog and felt like we had a lot in common. So welcome back!!!

I want to thank all of you for visiting me and leaving comments. To all you wonderful ladies and the occasional men that stop by (not nearly enough), thank you so much for your support, your inspiration, the kicks in the ass....

I could only choose 5 but you're ALL included. Here are the rules if you'd like to accept your award:

1. Pick five (5) blogs that you consider deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.

2. Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

3. Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award (http://arteypico.blogspot.com/)

What a crappy month...

I don't know about anyone else but it has been a horrible month for everyone around me. Let's see it started with F and me (update on that later in the post). Then, one of my co-workers moved down here about 6 months ago with his girlfriend and they started having problems because she wasn't working. She finally did get a job at a bar and then wasn't coming home until the next day because she would go out and party with the guys after work (um, kind of a problem when you are in a relationship). So he finally ended it after agonizing over it for weeks. Then Thursday, he comes home and someone robbed him. They cleaned his house of everything but the leather sofa which included the work laptop, personal laptop, big screen TV, one brand new shoe and even his orange juice. Another co-worker of mine is splitting with her significant other after 27 years together. Then on Thursday, my mother had a customer come in with 3 dogs (she is a dog groomer). The dogs were old, one appeared to have a seizure before its owner left and the owner mentioned he was going to take it to the vet because it had been lethargic. The owner left and within 5 minutes the dog was dead. Last night, my roommate yells to me that something was wrong with her dog. She had peed all over herself and her dog bed, and we tried getting her up and she paralysis all down her left side. She got sick and when she would turn her head to the left her eyes wouldn't track. All you could see were the whites of her eyes. You could hear gurgling in her chest. She is a large dog and 12 years old. My roommate didn't have the money to take her to a vet but talked her mom into paying the vet this morning for some tests. Quite honestly, I didn't think the dog would make it through the night. I personally think that it was a stroke. I didn't particularly care for the vet. They sent the dog home and basically told her to wait a few days to see what happens after a $300 vet bill to check her chest. They wanted to do more tests and more x-rays but financially that was not an option. The dog appears to be miserable and I don't think there is a good prognosis for her. Despite my roommate driving me crazy on a regular basis, I feel for her. I have been there and this has been the only constant in her life for 12 years. She's not doing well with this and I think the vet gave her false hopes that the dog would be fine. Then today, I get a phone call from my mother. My step-sister called this morning to tell us that her mother died last night (she was diagnosed a few months ago with cancer). I used to spend my summers there. So can you say June has really sucked? Anyone else experiencing a particularly bad month where everyone around you is going through something. I follow astrology a little but I don't put much faith in it but I have heard that there is something going on with the moons this month..something about retrograde. Any insight?

Now, onto F. I had lunch with him today and I tried to stay away from the obvious topic at hand. However, he did say at one point I seemed bitter. I told him no, I am not bitter I am confused. I understand breaking things off, taking a break, whatever you want to call it if things aren't going well but they couldn't have been better. At one point, it almost looked like his eyes were getting glossy as if there were going to be tears. We had a nice talk and then when I left I told him that I won't be contacting him and that the ball was in his court. I told him I am not mad at him but he is going to have to be the one that calls. He hugged and kissed me goodbye (twice) :)

I got home this evening and I did have an IM from him (which is unusual) which asked me if I was at my computer. I am thinking, oh Lord, this is where he tells me it would be best if we didn't see each other (gotta love my positive attitude about this, right?). He IM'd me to thank me for going to lunch and said "good night, sweet lady". I don't know what it is about that phrase but I melt each time he tells me that.

I have made a decision

First, let me say I did go to the gym last night like I said I would. I saw your message Manuela, checking up on me :P. I only did 20 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes doing weights. I was getting very light-headed and decided that it was not a good idea to continue. That is a first for me but I have had a headache for the past couple of days so am contributing it to that.

So, I have struggled with this "journey" since the beginning of the year, some of it is was my own fault, some of it is because my body is just stubborn. Last night, I made a decision. I am going back to the WW meetings. I have been only doing it online and maybe I need that extra in-person support to get me past this five pounds.

So, I found the measurements that I took January 1st. I decided that it has been 6 months, I should measure myself now. I haven't see that much difference on the scale, maybe there would be a difference in the tape. Of course, I knew that this thought process could have backfired on me but I figured I am already frustrated, so what the hell.

So here they are:

1/4 inch lost on thighs
1/4 inch loston calves
1/2 inch lost on hips
2 inches lost on bust *sob
1 inch lost on arms

Well, I guess I know where I will lose first, sadly enough. Why can't I just relocate parts of my body? Is there a plastic surgeon out there that will move my ass and thighs up to my chest (ok, maybe not all of it. I don't want to be Dolly Parton). They can put silicone in my chest but they can't put my ass there? My worst fear is losing the weight and being flat chested. I know, I can always buy a pair but I would much rather be 'au natural even though I seem to be in the minority these days.

As a side note, I will be creating a separate page for recipes :). Oh, and one more thing that book I referred to yesterday is Jemima by Jane Green. It had mixed reviews but I liked it because it encouraged me, partially because I identified with the main character.

Confessions of a Mad Dieter & Recipe Thursday

I must confess. I have not been to the gym at all this week or last week and I feel guilty about it! I have been exhausted. I don' t know if it's a mild form of depression over my personal life, my thyroid issues or I am just plain tired. The funny thing is...I know if I go to the gym I will feel better. It's hard to stay motivated when I have lost a whopping 10 lbs in 6 months (yes, I know it beats the alternative!). I keep on forgetting to measure myself. I need to do that to see if there is any improvement there. I feel like my clothes are looser but will have to do some measurements to make sure I am not hallucinating.

I know what my problem is. I am a picky eater. I get bored with the same foods over and over again. I am one of those people that eats what I am in the mood for instead of what I have in front of me. This is not good and I need to break out of this habit. I know I have said this before but it's all about planning. Fail to plan, plan to fail! I have to plan! I have to plan my meals ahead of time and stick to it. I have to plan on the gym and stick to it.

My goals for the remainder of the week:

1. Go to the gym today, tomorrow and one day over the weekend.
2. Find my book about an overweight girl that becomes a gym rat to lose weight and start reading it again. I will give you guys the name once I find it because I found it very motivational.
3. Find new recipes.

So, I need help from you guys. I am bored of the same old food. You up for a recipe swap? So, I think I am going to make Thursday the official recipe swap day. If you would like to participate, just post a recipe that you have tried and enjoyed. So here's one of my favorites!

Beef Taco Bake
1 lb. lean ground sirloin
1 - 10 ¾ oz. can tomato soup
1 cup Pace thick & chunky salsa
½ cup 1% milk
6 – 8 in. flour tortillas (cut into 1-inch pieces)
1 cup low fat shredded cheddar cheese (4 oz.)

1. In skillet, brown beef.
2. Add soup, salsa, milk, tortillas and ½ the cheese.
3. Spoon into 2qt. shallow baking dish. Cover.
4. Bake at 400 degrees for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with remaining cheese.

If you are doing WW, this is a little pt. heavy. If I remember correctly, around 9 for a small piece but you can cut down on the tortillas to reduce and use skim milk. Make sure to check the tortillas nutritional value because they vary greatly.

Weekly Challenge Update

Good morning! Well, I am down this week, a little tiny bit.... .6 pounds. I am a little disappointed but I'm probably lucky that I lost. I didn't journal, I didn't exercise and I had dinner at Olive Garden one day and Chilis another day. I had breadsticks with alfredo sauce...yummy! So, downward is good, seeing as there hasn't been much downward action in weeks/months. We all get discouraged by our small losses but look at it this way. For every 1/2 pound you lose, you are losing two sticks of butter on your ass! :) Next week, am hoping for at least 8 sticks! I need to get into the positive percentile on the challenge!

Speaking of the challenge, this week our biggest loser was Karyn and .1 percent behind Karyn was Suzanne. Good job ladies!

Overall, there are three in the top spot...Manuela, Lynn and Quarterlife Girl. You ladies are doing awesome.

So, here's the deal...the rest of us need to pick it up a notch. I want to see weigh ins next week for all those that have not checked in. I don't want to see any negative numbers (mainly mine..hehe) and I want everyone to exercise at least 3 days for 30 minutes. No excuses!

I wouldn't make a very good drill sergeant, would I? :)

Yawn...Good morning

*Yawn...good morning. Well, it was not a good start to the morning as I woke up at the time I was supposed to already be at work. Oops. So, in a rush to get ready and out the door I did not get a chance to weigh myself (maybe that's a good thing), so I will have my weigh in tomorrow morning. I have also been toying with the idea of going back to meetings to get that added support and accountability.

Anyway, I am going to try to get to see all your blogs today and catch up. I didn't do very well last week but had a lot on my mind, boss was in town, blah blah blah.

I am doing better today. Partially because F and I talked Saturday night. He told me that I meant the world to him even though he had a crappy way of showing it (his words). He told me how great I am. He also told me that even though he puts on a good front he is one screwed up puppy. I told him I have always had a soft spot for puppies. I also told him it is a shame that I have to pay for all of his ex's mistakes and that I wish I could get in his head and erase all that crap. He hadn't been calling because he thought I was mad at him. I told him I wasn't mad, just giving him space. I did tell him that I have been pretty unhappy for the past several days and he apologized for being the root cause. I did ask him, where do we go from here? Do we call each other once a week to make sure each other is alive? He said no, nothing like that. I said do we still do things together? He said absolutely. So, I think we are still together just backed off a little bit if that makes any sense. Oh hell, who am I kidding, it doesn't make any sense to me, how is it going to make sense to you? If he wasn't such a good man and me thinking that he is worth it, I would have been history.

I was talking to my mom about things and she mentioned that he needs to see a counselor and that is probably true and of course, she also said that he just needs to get over whatever it is. My mom is a very strong woman (which I think I have told you guys in the past) ...I did have to remind her that people deal with things differently. She thinks that everyone can deal with their "crap" internally without it affecting other people. Maybe I am just naive, but I think if someone has issues, they need to work on them in whatever manner that works for them. If that means telling me they are getting uncomfortable with the way things are progressing, then so be it.

Anyway, so that's what's going on in a nutshell.

Hodgepodge...a warning, food and life update

This is going to be just a bunch of hodgepodge today, which really kind of matches the mess in my head right now.

Over the course of several months and reading each other's blogs, we tend to feel like we have gotten to know that person. I think, generally we can get a good idea of what type of person they are. I could start listing traits now of several of you (all good, I assure you). However, without ever having physical eye-to-eye contact, you will never truly know the person (IMHO). I think the majority of the women I have come into contact here are truly wonderful, caring women. I also think that our world is not perfect and sometimes people will try to take advantage of those that have a big heart. I don't want to go into too much detail (you can ask me by email, if you wish) as to why I am writing this. I just want to give you gals a warning to be careful and use your head, not your heart.

Next subject...

I haven't been eating well the past couple of days for obvious reasons but last night my stomach had finally said it's time to feed me. I had no desire to find anything in the kitchen so I ordered from Papa John's. I decided to try the wheat crust pizza. Yuck. It was too bready. If it was thin crust, it might be ok but I was not impressed and I only ate 1/2 a slice. So now, I have a large pizza at home that will not get eaten...I will be scraping the topics off and eating them.

Next...

The phone has still been quiet but F's week is so busy, he probably hasn't had time to mull things over. The weekend is when he tends to have more time to think about things. I have talked to a few male friends of mine. How better to understand a man then to ask one. Of course, some of the men were not good examples to ask seeing as they have never been afraid of commitment. One told me if you want to message him, message him. Nope, no can do. I have learned that the hard way over the years. A good married friend of mine told me last night that I am an amazing woman and if he doesn't see what he could be giving up, then he is just stupid. LOL. He also added that he wasn't just humoring me because he knows how I am. I relayed the entire conversation to this friend (you guys only got bits and pieces) and he told me he would call...that F said things that he wouldn't say if it was one of those typical "it's not you, it's me" talks (you know the ones...when he really means it is you). Of course, in the next breath he gave me a link to a dating site. M, I don't want a dating site! Gotta love him.

When something bad happens in a relationship and I am the one holding the short end of the straw, I never think it is "them". I just always assume it's me. The funny thing is the first thing I think, is it must be my weight. He isn't attracted to me anymore. I am telling you, I am my own worst enemy. Most of the time I am pretty confident in myself. I find myself attractive on good hair days (hehe) but when my world comes tumbling down, the self esteem tends to shatter with it. I am not feeling that way right now but maybe because I don't think it is over. There is still hope that he isn't going to be so scared that he would rather just walk away from me. This isn't the first time I have scared someone. Others have been "scared" and I wasn't even holding a screw gun at their groin!

Anyway, there is no update. *sigh

UPDATE: Since I wrote this, this morning...I have a small update. He IM'd me a short bit ago to see how I was. I guess that is a good thing...it's not much but he is trying to keep the lines open I guess :).

The talk...

Well, before I left work today I messaged F and asked if we were talking tonight. He responded, "I guess" which obviously translates into "Oh God, if I have to". I don't blame him. Women do not approach men about emotional crap in the right way. Many times it is confrontational so of course they dread "talks". I have never been one to confront. What good does it do? You get termed "psychotic". That's one thing I can say is any ex will never tell you I was psychotic...now looking back I should have been with some of them :).

Anyway, I am nervous the entire drive to his apartment. I get there and he wasn't there yet so I drove around and wondering if maybe I should just go home and fade out of his life. I go back to his apartment and he is home. I knock on the door and when he answers it, I asked him if it was the dreaded door knock. He tells me he hates these types of conversations. I tell him I do, too. He acted surprised. He thought all women liked to have these talks...well if that's the case, I am not your typical woman. I don't like having any sort of talk like that with a man. They hate it, I hate it.

I asked him what he was uncomfortable with and he told me he didn't really know. I told him that I know it started last Friday night and he said no, it started before that. He said he has been becoming increasingly uncomfortable but it hasn't been anything I have done. I asked if there was someone else. He told me no, it would be hard to beat me. So that's when I started stumbling because I needed to bring up another topic and didn't know how to do it. I have spent agonizing hours trying to figure out how to bring up what I think the problem is. I needed to sit down for this. I told him I am a smart girl, he says I know. I told him, "we are friends and I want you to be comfortable with me but I think there are things that you have kept from me". I don't want to go in great detail because it would be wrong for me to post this stuff on the Internet but I am sure if you read between the lines, you will understand what might have been a sensitive issue. Needless to say, it embarassed him a bit but I think he was relieved that I was ok with it. I told him I am ok with everything unless you plan on dressing up in women's clothes. He said, that's it you have seen my pumps, haven't you? :) He said that "that" could be some of it but he can't put his finger on what exactly is making him uncomfortable. I asked him if he is getting too close to me and that scares him. He said yes. I said, "where do we go from here"? He told me he hadn't thought that far ahead. I asked him if he needed time. He said maybe. It was obvious to me that he really does care about me and doesn't know what to do about it. He told me how wonderful I was and that he didn't want to lose me from his life. He asked if I would be ok with being friends for now. I asked for how long. I told him I am not going to wait 5 years for him to decide that I am worth the risk. So I asked him, "So you are willing to lose me because you're afraid of taking the risk to be with me"? He said, "lose you?, oh so you are saying that it's possible that some other man could scoop you up?" Well, it's not out of the realm of possibilities but that's not really what I was referring to.

His hand was on the couch and I started playing with his finger, toying with it. He told me to quit being cute in his playful tone. I told him no. We talked about a few other things and I'm not sure I got any answers but one important thing is out in the open. Overall, even though I was deathly afraid of going over there to talk to him, I am glad I did. I had almost thought about just going home and fade from his life but I care about him too much to not at least try. I think, that if we get back to what we were, we will have an even better relationship because the one most difficult topic a man ever has to talk about is now out in the open with no judgement from me.

I didn't stay long. He gave me a long, lingering hug and I kissed him on the neck. He said, "bye sweetie". I gave him a teary goodbye as I walked out the door.

I don't know what's next but I think I need to give him time to mull things over in his head. I don't know how much time. My boss (who I can confide in) called me tonight to see if I was ok. He is in town and asked me if I wanted to go have a drink so I went. I told him what was going on. He was there as my friend, not as my manager. He told me to give him until Monday, then send him a message that his lack of words speaks volumes (if I don't hear from him) but that I need to be prepared for the consequences. I don't know if it needs to be that cut and dry but I know I need to give F a chance to miss me. I don't know how long I need to give him. I don't know if I should go invisible on my IM so he doesn't see me or leave it on so he does see me, but don't contact him. He needs to come to me. I know this.

I was ready to tell him tonight when I left that I loved him..what do I have to lose, right? I didn't. I suppose if I don't hear from him in a reasonable amount of time, I will tell him in some form just so he knows. *sigh

Basically, what it boils down to is, I think he loves me and is afraid of the past but what he hasn't realized is nothing risked, nothing gained.

Life hurts

I appreciate all the well wishes with my current dilemma, situation..whatever you want to call it. There is more to it then what I wrote yesterday. It's not one of those "it's not you, it's me" kind of scenarios. He's not an ass. He is a good man, a very good man. He really does care about me, and I know that. I also think I know where the problem lies, which I don't want to reveal here seeing as I have my picture on the site and you never know. I scare him. I don't know if I scare him because of things that have happened in previous relationships but I am pretty sure that has a huge bearing on it. I also think he is uncomfortable talking about certain things and somehow I need to address it because I am pretty sure that's what is causing him to feel the way he does. It is a very sensitive issue and I don't know to approach it.

I asked him if he minded if I came by after work on Monday to talk and it wasn't good timing so we are planning for Tuesday. He is very important to me and I need for him to understand that I can deal with anything other then him wanting to dress up in women's clothing. Regardless, of where this goes I have no doubt that we will remain friends even though it will be extremely hard in the beginning. I love him and that isn't easily reversed.

I guess the bright side, if I had to find one is that I have absolutely no appetite. I forced myself to eat something yesterday and I imagine today will likely be the same.

Last night, I came home and my roommate and the guy she recently started seeing are standing out in the driveway. I didn't feel like talking to anyone so I just went into the house. She comes into the house shortly afterwards and asks if I am ok. No, I'm not. You know the drill...now here comes the what's wrong, what happened? So I show her what he had written me and she didn't say anything. About 20 minutes later she apologizes for not saying anything and then tells me that she didn't know what to say because the guy that she is seeing said he felt uncomfortable just shortly before. How can you compare a relationship of 7+ months to a guy that you met a flipping week ago? This is about me! *sigh Can't it ever be about me for once?

It's going to be about me tonight when I see F. Ok, maybe not totally about me but darn it I want the answers I need and I am set out to get them. If he doesn't want to be with me because he isn't attracted to me (which I know isn't the case), met someone else (don't think this is the case either), he's gay (don't think that's it either), or just doesn't feel that way towards me I will have to accept it. However, if it is what I think it is, that is not an acceptable reason to end a perfect relationship. I know I am being somewhat cryptic but it's an issue some men experience and men are very sensitive to talk about it.

Of course, he hasn't ended it yet...we didn't talk last night (no texts, no IMS, no phone calls) and haven't talked yet this morning like we normally do. Maybe, just maybe he has done some thinking to realize that we are good together and he is doing the things he told me he wouldn't do and that's run away when he gets scared. Positive thinking, right?

Ok, onto different news...I can't talk about it anymore or I will end up in tears again.

**************************************************************************

Biggest Loser Update

We have had a few new challengers in the last two weeks. Welcome! We have also had several not update their weights. I am not going to hunt you down, so it's up to you. You can check to see if I have your weights, by checking out the status link above this post.

To Stacy, no worries if you don't weigh in until Monday nights. I am pretty much doing the updates on Tuesday to allow everybody time to get their weights in :).

Ok, as of right now our biggest loser this week was Ashley! Yay, Ashley! Overall, MaryFran is winning with Quarterlife Girl not far behind. Come on ladies, we need to give her some competition. We won't even talk about where I am in the challenge.

Well, it's a loss...in more ways than I hoped

I am supposed to be jumping for joy that there was a loss, right? Well, I'm not. It was a 1.2lb loss. I know, I know a loss is a loss but considering the past two weeks were gains, I was really hoping for more. I am so tired of playing with the same five pounds. I'm not giving up but I am beyond frustrated. I will just have to work harder at the gym and maybe I need to change up my diet a little bit...going to try to get more protein in this week. I am also tempted to start going to WW meetings again to see if they can give me some insight as to why I can't seem to go down. I am still measuring everything, still counting all my points, exercising most days, drinking my water blah blah blah.

In other news...F isn't the same towards me lately. He has a lot going on in his life at the moment and is stressed out. His days start at 5a and don't end until about 10p. Things seem to be fine when we are together which is only about 2 hours a week lately *sigh. He used to call me every night, he doesn't do that anymore. When I say used to...this was a few weeks ago. He has told me in the past that I need to stop reading into things but damn...when the routine changes, it's hard not to. I know he is tired and there aren't enough hours in the day but am just feeling like he is in "retreat" mode again. He is a wonderful man and I would do anything for him. I just really wish he would get over whatever issues he is dealing with and not go into retreat mode everytime he thinks he is moving too fast or I am getting too close or whatever else is going on in his head. I have also wondered if there is someone else lately. He has told me I don't have any competition but...

I'm just in one of those "I don't know what the hell to do" stages. I want to talk to him about it but at the same time I don't want to do the whole girly "can we talk" talks that men hate. *sigh

UPDATED: I am not one to sit around and not say anything so I sent him a message to ask him if he was mad at me for something. He said "nope, not mad". Hmm, that implied that there was something though. I asked him if there was something else. Several minutes later, obviously after thinking for awhile of how to say what he wanted to say, he said this...

well to be honest with you, i'm not sure that i'm comfortable with how things have progressed between us - we've gotten pretty close and i'm not sure that's where i want to be. i've hesitated saying anything because i do care about you a lot and don't want you to be hurt

This translates into...I don't know how to control the bus so I am just going to jump off. We are going to talk later...of course, I think the outcome is pretty obvious *sob

Not much to say today...

I don't have much to say today. I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I was still a little sore from Wednesday and was exhausted. I was lying in bed by 8p. Of course, I still didn't get to sleep until 10p because I started watching the movie Serendipity with John Cusack. What a sweet, romantic movie. They should really create realistic movies. Man gets close, man retreats, man gets close, man retreats. Wouldn't that be the typical behavior in most cases?

I did peek at the scale today and it looks like it may be a very good week for me. I don't want to give any more details than that, I don't want to jinx it :).

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and a wonderful weekend!!!

5,499, 983 activity points earned in one day...

I love you guys. Thank you for the supporting comments from yesterday's post. I actually kind of feel bad now writing about it. I really don't think the person was intending to sound the way it was perceived and I definitely don't want to make her feel like she isn't welcome here (because she is). Mean people do suck, but I don't believe this person intentionally fits in that category. I think she is probably like the rest of us out here in blog world just looking for support from fellow women to achieve a common goal. Just for the record, if someone was truly mean, without any doubt, in an email I wouldn't hesitate to post their name here :). So with that said, it's over..I'm moving on.

Habitat for Humanity. Ever done it? You should! If you are not familiar with it, it is a non-profit organization that builds houses for needy families, usually single moms. The houses are built by volunteers and the person receiving the house does pay a "mortgage" at 0% interest for the cost of the house which is substantially cheaper because much of the labor is done through volunteer work. They also have to put in a minimum of 300 hours on their house or another habitat house. This was my first time and despite the work, I would probably go back (probably not during the summer). In reality, it was an easier day than I expected. I was expecting us to be hanging drywall or something.

It is very fulfilling and tiring. I am beat. How many activity points do you get for laying sod in 92 degree weather? It was a group effort today with 6 other co-workers. It was a lot of fun but I am still feeling it today. I installed door stops, door handles, laid sod, planted bushes around the a/c unit, cleaned out the supervisors' storage unit (men are pigs, ya know), moved all materials from one storage unit to another storage unit, installed all of the window screens, sweeped, and did other "clean up chores" as the house was finished. The occupant will be moving in next week. In fact, the supervisor told us we were the first group to finish his to do list in a very long time.

<----- Do you see something wrong with the picture? hehe

Needless to say, I did not go to the gym yesterday.

Wednesday post early....

I won't be around Wednesday because a bunch of us at work have taken a day off to volunteer time with Habitat for Humanity (let's hope it is not 95 degrees out).

Thursday, I hope to catch up on everyone's blog. Work has been crazy the past few days and haven't had much time to do anything so bear with me. With that said, I want to tell all of you that I appreciate you and your support. Now, with that said I want to bring up a touchy subject. I wasn't sure whether or not I should write about it, but decided this is my blog and I am bothered by it so I am going to write about it. I am not going to bring up names because I don't want there to be hard feelings, as we are all here for the same reason and need the support of others.

Anyway, I opened my email today (Tuesday) and there was an email in there that I took offense to. I may have been mistaken in the way I read it but normally if I see capital letters in an email I feel as if the person is yelling at me (Internet etiquette). This email was in regards to the challenge that I started. The emailer had emailed me a few days ago to let me know that something had changed and I responded and said I would make the update when I made the rest of the updates. I made the change. For whatever reason, this emailer was not seeing the change made so she emailed me in what I feel was a condescending tone. I emailed back in a very similar tone telling her to not bite my head off, which of course didn't help matters any. I received another lovely email in return with numerous exclamation points and for me to be kind if I am running a website. Now to my point...

Now, I am not running a website. This is my own personal blog and it is everyone's choice if they want to visit me (I do appreciate the visits even if we don't always agree). I am doing this challenge out of the goodness of my heart, the prizes are coming from my pocket and I am not making any money with this blog (nor do I want to). I thought, by doing this challenge it might keep people motivated, myself included.

Now, to the person that sent me the email. Please understand this is not a company website. This is my personal blog. This is out of the goodness of my heart. If there is a problem with the data that is shown, please email me or post a comment but don't yell at me and please be patient. When someone yells at me, I tend to automatically go into defensive mode. Now, I don't know if you intended to yell in your email but that is how it was perceived. This is a very time consuming process and it would be nice if it was appreciated. I am trying to please everyone and apparently I am not doing a very good job *sigh.

I have re-read this post over and over again because I don't want to come off as harsh but I think no matter how I say it, it's going to be perceived as harsh.

BLC Update and the State of my Emotions

The BBLC update is up. Guess who our biggest loser is this week? Manuela is our biggest loser this week that has checked in. Grats sweetie, you deserve it!

There are still several that have not updated me on their weights. If your name is listed below, please comment me with this week's weight so I can update the rest of the spreadsheet.

Lynne One Foot Forward
FB Fat Bridesmaid
Kate Weight 1 Day
Jennifer Fat as Hell
Tina Behind the Wall
Angie Losing It & Loving It
Running Nan Running from the Pudge
Fluffy Girl Fluffy Girl
RheayRheay
Nightmare Jack The Pursuit of Slim
Blubba Fat Man, Skinny Wallet
Stacy The Skinny Girl in Me
Wallowgirl Working out the Kinks
Dianne Will Be Fine by 2009

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Even though yesterday was a bad day for me all the way around (someone stole my lunch at work too...AGAIN), I haven't given up. I want to tell you why I get so frustrated. People tend to think that because we are overweight that we are lazy, sit on the couch eating bon bons all day, we binge, we are emotional eaters, the list goes on and on. I can honestly say none of this applies to me. Now, don't get me wrong I don't always make wise decisions when it comes to what I put in my mouth but I have never been a binger, have never ate because I was sad or happy, have always been fairly active, and have never been a snacker.

This what I do know...I have been overweight since I was toddler. Of course, then it was considered baby fat and we are supposed to outgrow it. That didn't happen. I also know that my metabolism is not normal, and not because I say so. I had it measured a few years back. They explained that the number they gave me was the number that my body needs to just function daily. He told me at that time that a normal metabolism is more than 2000 (wish I remembered the real number he gave me) but mine was 1050 or so. See the problem here? Now, this could be because I have an underactive thyroid that has never been under control (still working on it). I also know that I have been the same weight at least since '94. I guess I could look at the bright side and say I have maintained. The reason I remember is because that was the year I got married. When I split with my husband in '96, money was tight and I was down to about 500 calories a day. I lost 30 pounds in that two months. That is the only time I have ever lost a significant amount of weight. As soon as I started eating regularly again, the weight came back.

So, today is not a woe is me post. I am not giving up, whereas I would have already in the past. I am going to continue to eat healthy, continue to go to the gym everyday and hope for the best. If I don't see any clue of improvement in a couple of weeks, I will be making an appointment with the good 'ol doc. If that doesn't work, then I will go see a nutritionist. Thank you for the support, I do appreciate it!

Frustrated, Overcome, Defeated...

I can't think of any other word for today other than frustrated, overcome, defeated...I gained again this week. For the past three days, I have been very good to stay below my points to make up for earlier in the week where I had gone over on some days. Overall, I was within my points for the week. I went to the gym 3 days this past week, went horseback riding for an hour and a half on Saturday and still posting a 1.6 pound gain. I have been at "this" since the beginning of the year and can't show any progress. I have a huge problem with this! Some of it is my fault but sometimes I have to wonder if I am just destined to be overweight the rest of my life. It's NOT like I have gained this weight since high school or since last year. I have been heavy all of my life. Am I being punished for something in a previous life and this is it, I can't have the body I want?

I was talking to my mom a little bit about it this morning and she said maybe I need to go back to the Weight Watchers meetings. I am definitely considering it...maybe they can help me find where the problem lies. This is the reason I have given up in the past. I remember, several years ago a good friend of mine and I had joined the YMCA and we went every night for about 45 minutes. I went 5 days a week for about 4 months, I never lost anything. I don't know what my diet was like so I am sure that played a role in me not losing any weight.

So, I'm not giving up but if after the next couple of weeks I don't start seeing some losses on the scale then I think I am going to have to make an appointment with the doctor. Maybe I will get the 'ol measuring tape out and measure myself too to see if I have lost any inches...but to be honest, I am afraid to. I am afraid that if I don't see progress on the tape that I will give up and I don't want to give up.

For those of you that can lose weight by watching what you eat, I'm happy for you but I hate you :P.

At the rate, I am going I will be the biggest gainer in my challenge. Now there's something to look forward to!

OK, I am done with the "woe is me" for now...for those of you that are in my challenge, please post your weigh in details so I can update the spreadsheet.

I just updated my status on Americaonthemove.org and it looks like I passed another area of interest. If nothing else, I am "seeing the country".

Ft. Kearny, the first military post built to protect the Oregon Trail emigrants, was a collection of sod buildings. The fort remained an important wayside throughout the emigration period. Many pioneers purchased food here, and used the fort's reliable mail service. In a single day in late May, as many as 2,000 emigrants and 10,000 oxen might pass through.

No name, other than it's Friday

When I went to the grocery store the other day I came across the strangest object. It looked like a grapefruit, well kind of. It looked more like a grapefruit that had been on meth one too many times. I read the information card above it and it said it was a cross between a grapefruit and a tangelo. Interesting. I wonder who the father was. Seeing as I am an adventurous soul (not really), I bought one. Tonight, I eat Uniq! No, I didn't name it, that's the kind of fruit it is. Matter of fact, I am eating it's juicy flesh now as I type. I have to say that it is quite tasty! I did find out after searching for a picture (I was too lazy to get out my camera and take my own) that it is also called Ugli (pronounced oohgli). If you have never tried one, you should...scrumptious and very juicy.


Remember, yesterday in my blog I said I was anxious to get to the gym now. That faded over the day. Maybe faded is not exactly the best word to use, it disappeared. Yep, the gym bug was gone. However, you would be proud of me, as I am very proud of myself. I forced myself to go. I probably didn't work as hard as the past two days but I still worked up quite a bit of sweat. 30 minutes on the recumbant bike for 4.5 miles, 15 minutes on the treadmill at 2.8 mph and I even, believe it or not got on the Cybex. This thing kicks my arse! I was only on it 2 minutes. Yep, I know it doesn't sound like much. You are over there saying, "oh, come on you can do more!" Really, I couldn't. I am making a goal for myself though. I am going to try to get on it each time I go to the gym and try to increase that number.

My eating on the other hand this week has not been good and the scale is showing it *sigh. I have gone over my points most days. It's "that" time again. *another big sigh. It seems it is always "that" time and I am a bottomless pit that week. I am going to try to make up for the first 4 days of the week over the next three so I can show some kind of loss on the scale.

Going strong

First, I want to thank FB (Fat Bridesmaid) for challenging me this week to go to the gym for 3 1-hour workouts. If it wasn't for her challenging me, I probably wouldn't have gone. Granted, I have been shy my one hour both days, but I am there and am really damn close to the hour. I have done 55 minutes Tuesday and Wednesday and plan to do the same today.

I have read conflicting reports on how to exercise or should I say the order of exercise when doing both weights and cardio. I have read that you should do weights first to burn off the glycogen so when you head over to cardio, it will start burning fat faster. Then I have read reports that you should do cardio first. If anyone can clarify any of this information, that would be great. Anyway, because there are conflicting reports I do it both ways. I am not a big fan of most cardio equipment. In fact, I hate most of it but I know I have to so I suck it up and do it anyway. Walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes is almost impossible to me, not because I can't do it but because I HATE it but walking is a good warm up for me and it gets me sweating. I have been doing 20 minutes on the treadmill, then I head over to the weights. I do three sets of 12-15 on each machine (most machines) then it's off to the bike. The bike is where I sweat like a pig. Do pigs sweat? I start off around 80 rpms and about every two minutes, I up the intensity to as fast as I can go (around 111 rpm) for about 2 minutes, then bring it back it down. Rinse, repeat. It kicks my behind! I could only make it 15 minutes doing this. Going to try for an extra five today.

I am determined to go to the gym five days a week now, provided work life doesn't get in the way. In fact, I am anxious throughout the day to get to the gym.

I am doing the America on the Move challenge brought to us by lovebug and I reached my first scenic point..yay! Since the beginning of my walk on June 1st, I have made 29,372 steps (I have converted my other exercise to steps) which averages to 9730 a day.

Prairie Schooner Wagon
Click to Listen

Covered Wagon
A family of four needed more than a thousand pounds of food to sustain them on the 2000 mile journey to Oregon. The only practical way to haul that amount of food was by wagon, which usually only measured four feet wide by ten feet long. With such limited space, the emphasis was on essential tools and food. The recommended amount of food to take for an adult was: 200 pounds of flour20 pounds of corn meal 150 pounds of bacon20 pounds of sugar 10 pounds of coffee 15 pounds of dried fruit 10 pounds of salt 1/2 pound of baking soda2 pounds of tea 5 pounds of rice 15 pounds of beans

BTW...Here is a nifty link to convert other activities into steps if you are tracking steps. http://www.womenshealth.gov/woman/tracking.cfm .

No shorts, no gym

I am on my way to the gym after work and then realize I don't have any shorts with me. I have my sneakers, socks, shirt, IPod, gym membership card but no shorts. See the problem here? Shoot, so now I have to go home and I don't want to have to go out once I get home (conserving gas, you know). I accepted FB's challenge to 3-1 hour workouts this week so I had to work out yesterday. So, I figure I will air up the tires in the bike and go for a bike ride.

I get home, it is hotter than Hades. The idea of riding the bike quickly faded. Ok, let's see I will ride my stationary for 30 and do my salsa tape for 30. I get in the house, go to my computer, work on the blog a little bit, update the Biggest Loser Challenge stuff, look over a website that I am currently working on and the time just starts drifting away. I basically give in to the fact that I am not going to do any exercise.

At 7p, the phone rings. It is my friend C. She asks me if I want to go to the gym. I told her I would. She was my saving grace. So 30 minutes on the treadmill and 25 minutes of weights, my hour long workout was still shy of 5 minutes. Oh well, I can live with that...5 minutes shy is a hell of a lot better than 60 minutes shy!

I have had to add all my challenges to my blog because if I don't I am going to forget what I am doing :). I mentioned to F today that I joined a few challenges and he said he would make his goal to be 30lbs by Labor Day, as well. We are going to make a friendly wager. Anyone have any ideas of friendly wagers...a day at a museum, a day at the zoo, a sponge bath :)? There are a lot of creative minds out there, help a girl out.

Oh, as a side note just above the daily posts you will find a link to the Biggest Loser Challenge status, rules, etc. so everyone can easily find the updates.

Who was the biggest loser this week?

I haven't received weigh in updates from some of you. If you do visit, just check and make sure I have gotten your weight updated. We lost a total of 31.5 pounds last week as a group (of those that have reported). That's awesome! (Of course, I didn't help that number but I will this week, darn it!).

Our biggest loser for the week is... Lynn - Hungry Little Caterpillar. She lost an incredible 8 pounds for a total of 4.12%!!! Mary Fran A New Start: Losing Weight came in at a close second for a loss of 7.2 pounds and percentage of 3.85%!

Although, I am not giving weekly prizes, I do have something for Lynn for being the number one LOSER this week. She gets a ribbon for being a loser :).

CORRECTION: Mary Fran is actually our biggest loser this week. The starting weight I had for Lynn was prior to start of contest. Lynn, however still did a damn good job at 2.21%!

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I ended up working later than normal last night so I didn't get to the gym but I did get my arse on my bike for a few minutes last night. I am hoping to get to the gym tonight! I am also back to journaling today! I am participating in the walking challenge and I logged in this morning to enter my steps for yesterday and OMG! Summer Blog Party Walkers has currently taken a total of 411770 steps or walked approximately 205 miles since beginning their journey. That's awesome!

Weight gain count towards the challenge?

I didn't do good this week. Does my challenge go the other way, to see who gains the most? hehe...I am trying to be funny and not beat myself up. If you haven't guessed it, I gained this week. I'm not surprised though. Last week I was a zombie. I had no energy, all I wanted to do was sleep, I went out to lunch at work almost every day and I didn't hit the gym once. Come to think of it, I wasn't eating healthy at all, so I probably brought much of it on myself. Eat crap, feel like crap!

On the bright side, is that I haven't given up. In the past, I would give up so something has definitely changed in my mindset over the past several months. I like it :). The other bright side is I am taking my thyroid pills again, like I am supposed to. How do I expect my body to lose weight, if I don't do everything I can do to help it? My thyroid is extremely underactive. When I was first tested, my number was 190. It is supposed to be between 2 and 5, although my doctor is trying to keep it closer to 2-3. I have read that if you have weight issues, it is better to be at the lower end of the range.

I started retaking my thyroid pills again because I hate feeling like this. I do think part of it is the weather too. It is supposed to be in the 90s today (BLEH!) It gets hot out, I turn into a snail. Lucky for me, the gym is air conditioned and today I go. No ifs, ands or buts..my ample butt will be in that gym after work.

So I am back, physically and mentally, ready for all the challenges!

In other news...today is weigh in day! I have received one update and two new additions to the challenge. So once I get some more updates, I will post this week's results.

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Yesterday, a friend of mine and I wanted to go see Sex & the City. We decided on the 2p show and my friend tends to run a bit late in getting ready so we were pushing it to get there by 2p. We made it by about 1:45 and it was sold out. Ok, well another one was playing at 3p. The line to get into the individual movie theatre started at 2:15 for the 3p show. I have never seen so much estrogen in one room in my life and quite frankly, I would prefer not to see it again. I had no clue that Sex & the City was that popular. In order for us to get a seat, we had to go seat ourselves at about 2:15. There were a few men...the poor saps being dragged in by their wives. I'm sure they liked the nude scenes though. I didn't even ask F if he wanted to go with me, I would never want to subject him to it and I don't want him humor me by going. For those of you that want to see it, I would suggest waiting a few days before attempting. :)

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BLOGGERS BIGGEST LOSER CHALLENGE WEEKLY UPDATE - WEEK ONE

• Manuela - A New Decade 167.5/166 (.9%)
• Lynne - One Foot Forward 262.4
• FB - Fat Bridesmaid 319/319 (0%)
• Lynn - Hungry Little Caterpillar 194.2/186.2 (4.12%)
• Kate - Weight 1 Day 315/311.4 (1.14%)
• Jennifer - Fat as Hell 253.4
• Quarterlife Girl - Quarter Life Girl Gets Fit 164/161.5(1.52%)
• Skinny Inside - Skinny Inside 245/244.6 (.16%)
• Tina Behind the Wall 181 (blog has been removed?)
• Angie Losing It & Loving It 190
• Megan The Journey to a New Me 254/252(.79%)
• Running Nan Running from the Pudge 160.5
• Fluffy Girl Fluffy Girl 224.2
• Trish Becoming a Better Me 375.2/372 (.85%)
• Rheay Rheay 200
• WeeLittleMe Little By Little 179.6/177.6 (1.11%)
• MaryFran A New Start: Losing Weight 186.8/179.6(3.85%)
• Trisha True Story 212/209 (1.42%)
• Jamie Making me "That Skinny Bitch" 162/161 (.62%)
• Ashley Sexy Bitch 201.6/204 (-1.19%)
• Jody Anything but Ordinary 312/309 (.96%)
• Nightmare Jack The Pursuit of Slim 187/185(1.07%)
• Blubba Fat Man, Skinny Wallet 303.8
• Kikimonster TakingChances 189 (new this week)
• Stacy The Skinny Girl in Me 174 (new this week)
• Bonnie Thinking Thin Too 277.2/280.2 (-1.08%)